Recent reports in the British/Irish media, have revealed that Saint
Paddy is not actually Irish, a new document proves, he was in
fact of English stock, who was born in 387, in south-western England,
in Somerset, near the village of Banwell, five miles east of
Weston-super-Mare in a Roman settlement in the area. He worked as a
barsteward serving drink to decadent Roman Cathoholics in an area that
was highly Romanized, as was his family's Dikkus estate in 387.

Below is an extract from the recently excavated ancient script;

'The Righteouf Fquire Dikkus of Banwell there is an interesting
account of a local centurion who sold drink to outsiders who frequented
the villa. Squire Dikkus was known, somewhat affectionately in the villa
of Biggus Dikkus as the 'jug-earede counte', or the 'fatte baftard of
Western Super-Mare'. He had something of a reputation for sending outsiders back to Roman
held territory in France, where anyone with black hair would be put to
death with red hot pokers. This passage here is quite explicit...

"'Ye outfidere folk cried do not put upon uf ye red hot pokerf of
Biggus Dikkus, which scorch and blifter our anufef. But ye jug-eared counte, Fquire
Dikkus hearde non of it and even ignoring hif own adviferf of ye
Foreign Hall of the Roman Catholic Council, did fend all ye outfideref back to
have ye red hot pokerf thruft up their anufef. And all ye while ye ferrety
young English baftard Patricus did laff hif goolief off'."


As the document proves, he was in fact an English agent, as in his
name Pa-trick-us, his father's name being Biggus Dikkus(see link for details)
who was a centurion and his mother's name was Incontinentia
which would make his full name Pa-trick-us Dikkus. His parents were
very good to him, until he was kidnapped by a monster from Ireland,
named Niall of the Nine Hostages, who sold him into slavery feeding
pigs, not to be confused with the gardai(see link) or british police
but real Irish pigs. He ended up living with a farmer in the north of
Ireland named Milchu, who treated him like crap. Patrick survived by
eating the food left out for the pigs, it was very tasty after he got
used to it.

Then he had visions after eating magic mushrooms that were mixed up in
the pig will. The Blessed Virgin the holy mother of god came in a
vision to him and revealed herself in a very intimate way and they had
intercourse. Yes, I know what you are thinking but he was still young
and had not yet acquired any dirty English habits. Anyway after he
finished banging Mary, he heard the word of god.The voice told him to
phuck off back to England and escape, something he strangely never
thought about previously.

To cut a long story short, he got to England became a religious freak
and returned to Ireland to brainfilth dacent Irish pagans into
becoming born again virgin christian barstewards like himself and
learn the glory of god, or else. He is supposed to have cast all the
snakes out of Ireland but as anyone vaguely familiar with child sex
abuse in Ireland, Gerry Adams or Martin McGuinness would know, this is
simply not true. He died on the 17th of March 493 and was buried in
Downpatrick which was thus named, after he was buried 6 feet under and
a local orangeman who attended the funeral was heard to shout,"go down
you phucker." Patrick after he died went on to become a saint with
powers to invent parades, in his own honour, the envy of orangemen the
length and breadth of Ulster.

Paddy's favourite pastimes were playing the bronze whistle, riding
sheep or basically anything that moved, saying his prayers and
preaching. His last words were, go forth and multiply as have the 4
million Irish catholics already, who have now become more than 40
million Irish Americans by remembering his teachings, that every sperm
is sacred(see link) and not to pick up any dirty British habits like
hand shandies.

However some more recent revelations, stating that Jaysus used
cannabis in British/Irish tabloids have put St. Paddy's teachings in
doubt and has come as a major shock to the general Christian public.
It is no surprise however to those working for the Israeli government
agencies, that came into contact with the born again virgin's pin-up,
when he was growing up as a youngster in Palestine.

"It's all in the files," one two-faced Mossad officer who'd clearly
seen it all before, told us. "Like a lot of young Palestinian lads, he
would have started off just having the odd toke himself. He had family
problems, you see. His mother had a history of bad dysfunctional
relationships, like her sister Magdalene who was intimate with Jaysus,
he always felt his dad had deserted him, in fact he wasn't sure who
was his real dad, it might have been the other saints, Gerry Adams or
Martin McGuinness."

According to a recently released Israeli social services report,
Jewish investigators were concerned that the child may have been
mistreated from his very outset. "The baby was inadequately cared
for," reads one report. Just days after his birth. "He was put in a
stable manger for feeding cows and people have never seen such a poor
job of swaddling in my life." The child Jaysus was also housed in a
shed with no running water, or electricity because of the Israeli
blockade at the time, on all new male babies by the Zionist
authorities. "Fortunately, a star or a UFO illuminated the room, but
apart from that, creature comforts were a no no, similar to Gaza now,
without electricity or food."

A damaged childhood, because of the Israeli occupation, led to Jaysus
taking up cannabis. But, as the Israeli intelligence officer explains,
this was only the beginning. "Before too long he was starting to sell
it to other kids in Bethlehem. Jonny, Pete, Lukey, Matty...all went on
to become crack addicts and were always throwing stones at the
occupiers, the list goes on." And while stoned on these other wordly
drugs, Jaysus was reported to have frequently slipped into a psychotic
trance, convincing himself and his friends that he could perform
so-called miracles, and that he was God.

Although Israeli police In Bethlehem, instituted several prosecutions
of the notorious hairy lefty at the time, local Palestinian juries
famously refused to convict, when the guy who claimed to be Son of God
insisted, he was using the drug "for medicinal purposes". However, it
is thought that the full-strength cannabis, of the time may, have
rotted his brain and led to his early death at the age of 33 while
listening to Bob Marley.

Irish politicians themselves who are also born again virgins, have
reacted angrily to the news and introduced a blasphemy law to censor
any more revelations about Jaysus or Gerry Adams, who is also being
accused of originally being a barsteward who served drink to the
Brits, while keeping an eye on his brother, responded saying. "I'm
angry as usual. I don't care who this guy is, or was, or who people
say he is, or was. Drugs destroy communities and I speak to God on a
daily basis, even if this guy thinks he is the Son of God, I agreed
with Saint Martin and my brother to advocating zero tolerance of the
stuff. If any of my men find him, he'll be going down for a long, long
time." A reporter from the London Times applauded loudly.

On the matter of Gerry Adam's refusal to resign like his Bishop
colleagues in Ireland over paedophile cover up, one fervent Irish
public health official who we didn't actually
contact us but who insisted on coming to our offices and shouting
loudly through the letterbox confirmed, that smoking-related diseases
will in future be treated at the smoker's own expense in Ireland. That
sounds fair enough to us, why should the non-smokers pay? After all,
do smokers pay extra tax to inflict their filthy habit on the rest of
us? No.

Ask yourself this: Do paedophiles in West Belfast get free board and lodging and
psychiatric treatment at our expense? No they bloody well don't, as
far as we know but then Gery and his brother spent a lot of time up in
Clonard monastery. Making nicotene addicts stump up in cash, in
advance, for cancer treatment is exactly the sort of hands-on, direct
action we like in Ireland in absence of any accountability from
elected Catholic officials on child abuse. We have to be seen to do
something and set an example like Gerry and the peacemakers do.

So while we're on about it, let's extend this punitive plan to fat
barstewards like St Paddy,
would be a good start. We know the obese ministers in the Irish
government deliberately stuff themselves with drink, crisps, chips,
chocolate and oven-ready microwaveable pizzas so that they can get
themselves a fast-track, heart-attack driven passport to intensive
care easy street. Let the fat barsteards pay for their own coronary
bypasses.

Obesity causes huge health problems and costs tasty-looking thin women
like MsVaseline a fortune in medical insurance. Why don't some of you
fat, ugly born again virgins stop filling your faces with fish suppers
and get some bloody exercise? Or try walking the kids to school
instead of driving them there in your smelly, diesel MPVs? Better
still, jog to school and smoke a couple of jointss on the way. That
should shed a few pounds.

On the other hand, we are told that parading, can cause knee and ankle
problems, so it seems only fair that conscientious orange parade
pounders should pay for any knee and foot repairs themselves.It's also
criminally irresponsible to allow monsters like Winston Churchill to
appear in Martin McGuinness's curriculum of school books, in occupied
Ireland. Not only did he chain-smoke obscenely large cigars, he drank
huge amounts of alcohol, was grossly overweight, and never exercised.
And McGuinness wanted to call this a national hero? Is this or the
alleged child abuse enabler Adams, any kind of example to be setting
Irish kids? No, it isn't, so it's out with the airbrush for Winnie and
enter health-conscious Aryan Catholic Adolf Hitler.


They can think of no better example of responsible and considerate
behaviour than the slim, non-smoking, teetotal vegetarian Catholic
with his legendary love of animals like St Francis. His personal
habits an example to us all and his life a reminder of what a truly
healthy Catholic lifestyle can achieve. Remember: Adolf Hitler didn't
smoke either tobacco or cannabis, was a devout Catholic like Adams and
McGuinness and loved children.

But perhaps the worst example of St Paddy inspired, inconsiderate,
self-destructive behaviour that threatens the health of the Irish
nation, is the increasing number of middle-aged politicians, suffering
heart attacks, during the monthly execution of their conjugal rights
in the missionary position. This must be looked at urgently. If it's
not distasteful enough the idea of lard-arsed proto-wrinklies
politicos, poking each other's shrivelled remains, think about the
poor paramedics who have to clear up the mess. Once again, it's the
commoners of occupied Ireland and the citizens of the free state, who
foot the bill with hefty health insurance premiums.

Sunbathing is another activity which cannot be allowed to continue,
the skin cancer risk to fair Celtic skin, is simply too great. The
list goes on, but to summarise, just imagine this: a middle-aged fat
barsteward enjoying a drunken post-coital cigar whilst skiing naked
down a sun-kissed piste en route to a tour of the lard factory. Had
enough? Me too it makes our blood boil.

Implementing such sweeping improvements in the health of our citizens
and commoners in occupied Ireland, excluding the children of West
Belfast of course, might run into some resistance, but we are
confident that just as the appointment of a drugs "czar" several
years back combined with a bit of knee capping, has practically wiped
out the use of illegal substances for a week or two, persuading the
Irish nation to voluntarily give up parading, smoking, eating,
drinking, skiing, sunbathing and sex should not prove insurmountable.
Especially when backed by legislation, fines, imprisonment and knee
capping.

So you see we have a lot to thank Saint Paddy, Adams and McGuinness
for, despite the claims of these other traditional Irish republicans,
that St Paddy's religion, the English and drink are the three curses
of Ireland. So, come Paddy's day, go out and parade, go to Mass, get
drunk and vote early and often for Adams and the peacemaker party.