As we all know, the Labour Party has decided, as an organisation, to elect a fresh face who will put the New Labour years behind them, and take the party in a more social-democratic direction. Which mean mean only one thing: Yes folks, it's smear time!!
(In other words: The following is a work of satire)
(In other words: The following is a work of satire)
RED ED IN COMMUNIST PLOT HORROR
At the very end of Ed Miliband's Wikipedia entry it says:
"He was recently reunited with one of his family relatives in Moscow"(26)
ORDERS FROM MOSCOW
The ToryScumTimesBeebOMirroGraphOGuard can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that this so-called distant relative is in fact, probably Red Ed's KGB handler! (or whatever the Russkie Commies have now, like the FSB or some shit) and that she was, in fact giving him his orders from RED COMMUNIST COMMIE PARTY CENTRAL, the centre of the Worldwide Communist Conspiracy to make everyone live in a Communist dictatorship!
We can FURTHER EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that this sultry Communist temptress had not only had the ear of Stalin himself, but was also a top Soviet spy during World War 2.
Our roving reporter, Jeffrey Octavious McScumbag, went to Moscow to question the alleged Miliband relative and Communist spy the tough questions, but was almost immediately harrassed by police on arrival outside her lavish State-provided apartment. Members of the Moscow militia were heard to exclaim "Oh my God! What's he doing to that old lady? STOP!!" (only in Russkie, natch) in a vain attempt to make our fearless crusader for truth look bad, before rugby tackling him to the ground and deporting him for breach of the peace. A clear Communist conspiracy to silence the free press.
FOREIGN PAYMASTERS
Given this obvious connection to foreign paymasters and antique, Communist-era secret spies, can we trust Ed Miliband to run our country - or will he ruin our country as part of a long-held preperation for a rebadged, revamped new Soviet Union to invade the country? His policy favours an eventual "review" of the Trident deterrant - an obvious attempt to disarm us in the teeth of future Russian agression.
TIMETABLE TO DOOM
We at the ToryScumTimesBeebOMirroGraphOGuard have come up with a possible timetable for the worst-case-scenario should the unthinkable happen, and Labour win the next election:
1st April 2015: Ed Miliband is installed as Prime Minister by his Russian handlers
2000 hours, 2nd April 2015: He disarms Trident and phones Putin.
2015 hours, 2nd April 2015: Russian paratroopers descend on London like so many locusts. The long-awaited Soviet invasion of Britian begins.
2016 hours, 2nd April 2015: First paratroopers land in Buck House. Russian occupation begins. Queen commits suicide rather than fall into enemy hands.
At the very end of Ed Miliband's Wikipedia entry it says:
"He was recently reunited with one of his family relatives in Moscow"(26)
ORDERS FROM MOSCOW
The ToryScumTimesBeebOMirroGraphOGuard can EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that this so-called distant relative is in fact, probably Red Ed's KGB handler! (or whatever the Russkie Commies have now, like the FSB or some shit) and that she was, in fact giving him his orders from RED COMMUNIST COMMIE PARTY CENTRAL, the centre of the Worldwide Communist Conspiracy to make everyone live in a Communist dictatorship!
We can FURTHER EXCLUSIVELY REVEAL that this sultry Communist temptress had not only had the ear of Stalin himself, but was also a top Soviet spy during World War 2.
Our roving reporter, Jeffrey Octavious McScumbag, went to Moscow to question the alleged Miliband relative and Communist spy the tough questions, but was almost immediately harrassed by police on arrival outside her lavish State-provided apartment. Members of the Moscow militia were heard to exclaim "Oh my God! What's he doing to that old lady? STOP!!" (only in Russkie, natch) in a vain attempt to make our fearless crusader for truth look bad, before rugby tackling him to the ground and deporting him for breach of the peace. A clear Communist conspiracy to silence the free press.
FOREIGN PAYMASTERS
Given this obvious connection to foreign paymasters and antique, Communist-era secret spies, can we trust Ed Miliband to run our country - or will he ruin our country as part of a long-held preperation for a rebadged, revamped new Soviet Union to invade the country? His policy favours an eventual "review" of the Trident deterrant - an obvious attempt to disarm us in the teeth of future Russian agression.
TIMETABLE TO DOOM
We at the ToryScumTimesBeebOMirroGraphOGuard have come up with a possible timetable for the worst-case-scenario should the unthinkable happen, and Labour win the next election:
1st April 2015: Ed Miliband is installed as Prime Minister by his Russian handlers
2000 hours, 2nd April 2015: He disarms Trident and phones Putin.
2015 hours, 2nd April 2015: Russian paratroopers descend on London like so many locusts. The long-awaited Soviet invasion of Britian begins.
2016 hours, 2nd April 2015: First paratroopers land in Buck House. Russian occupation begins. Queen commits suicide rather than fall into enemy hands.
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