Skip to content or view mobile version

Home | Mobile | Editorial | Mission | Privacy | About | Contact | Help | Security | Support

A network of individuals, independent and alternative media activists and organisations, offering grassroots, non-corporate, non-commercial coverage of important social and political issues.

PRESS RELEASE: President Bush declares war on bicycles.

James Moylan | 15.05.2006 04:22 | Anti-militarism | Culture | Repression

The following is a transcript of the President's address to the Nation.

"My fellow Americans. It has come to my attention that our great land has been infiltrated by seditious and hateful agents of horror. During the last year at least one thousand of our citizens were cut down in their prime by velocipedes - these so-called bicycles! One thousand times more than were killed by terrorists!

This sort of death toll is not acceptable! Especially as the majority of these innocent victims were young Americans who had every right to look forward to a long and fruitful life.

So in response to this unacceptable risk, posed by these two wheeled agents of terror, my government has launched a series of initiatives so as to protect and preserve the peace. From this day forward every agency of the United States Government will be placed on Velocipede Alert.

We will launch a War on Bicycles!

Firstly - I intend to rid the Continental United States of bicycles. I don't care what they might say or do in other countries - it is my responsibility to protect the lives and liberties of American citizens.

Secondly - Any individual seen to be associated with these hateful and evil devices will be committing an offence and will, henceforth, be incarcerated indefinitely. Maybe tortured. Whilst this might seem a harsh measure it is necessary so that we might derive further information relating to their evil velocipedic contacts and plans.

Thirdly - Anyone seen or heard to be supporting the use of velocipedes shall be committing an offence and will become liable to be shot on sight. This measure is aimed at easing the terror that such two wheeled propagandizing is currently inflicting on our community.

Fourthly - As the majority of these evil and heinous deaths seem to result from the dastardly designs of foreign nationals I have instructed our Intelligence agencies to draw up plans counter this threat. I say now, in plain and simple terms - to anyone, anywhere in the world - if you are planning new and devilish velocipedes - you will be caught and killed.

Finally - I would like to take this opportunity to assure all Americans that this dire threat is being addressed by every agency in the Government. We shall leave no stone unturned in our efforts to root out this evil. We shall track down and kill all those with evil velocipedic intent. Wherever they might hide"
_______________________________________________________

North American Mainland deaths from terrorism
1996 - 0
1997 - 2
1998 - 1
1999 - 3
2000 - 3
2001 - 2987
2002 - 3
2003 - 3
2004 - 0
2005 - 0
2006 - 0

Accidental Deaths per year on North American Mainland
(1981 to 1994)
100 on commercial flight
850 by electrical current
1000 on a bicycle
1452 by accidental gunfire
3000 by complications to medical procedures
3600 by inhaling or ingesting objects
5000 by fire
5000 by drowning
5300 by accidental poisoning
8000 as pedestrians
11,000 at work
12,000 by falls
22,500 at home
46,000 in auto accidents

U.S. ODDS of dying from:
Cardiovascular disease: 1 in 2
Smoking (by/before age 35): 1 in 600
Car trip, coast-to-coast: 1 in 14,000
Bicycle accident: 1 in 88,000
Tornado: 1 in 450,000
Train, coast-to-coast: 1 in 1,000,000
Lightning: 1 in 1.9 million
Bee sting: 1 in 5.5 million
U.S. commercial jet airline: 1 in 7 million
Terrorism: 1 in 8 609 815 (twelve year average)

Sources: Natural History Museum of Los Angeles County, Massachusetts Institute of Technology, University of California at Berkeley
more vital imformation from the only sane ape in the pack.

James Moylan
- e-mail: jamesmoylan@aapt.net.au
- Homepage: http://www.whitepage.com.au/saneape/

Comments

Display the following comment

  1. Meteorites are more lethal then terrorists — Rob van der Putten
Upcoming Coverage
View and post events
Upcoming Events UK
24th October, London: 2015 London Anarchist Bookfair
2nd - 8th November: Wrexham, Wales, UK & Everywhere: Week of Action Against the North Wales Prison & the Prison Industrial Complex. Cymraeg: Wythnos o Weithredu yn Erbyn Carchar Gogledd Cymru

Ongoing UK
Every Tuesday 6pm-8pm, Yorkshire: Demo/vigil at NSA/NRO Menwith Hill US Spy Base More info: CAAB.

Every Tuesday, UK & worldwide: Counter Terror Tuesdays. Call the US Embassy nearest to you to protest Obama's Terror Tuesdays. More info here

Every day, London: Vigil for Julian Assange outside Ecuadorian Embassy

Parliament Sq Protest: see topic page
Ongoing Global
Rossport, Ireland: see topic page
Israel-Palestine: Israel Indymedia | Palestine Indymedia
Oaxaca: Chiapas Indymedia
Regions
All Regions
Birmingham
Cambridge
Liverpool
London
Oxford
Sheffield
South Coast
Wales
World
Other Local IMCs
Bristol/South West
Nottingham
Scotland
Social Media
You can follow @ukindymedia on indy.im and Twitter. We are working on a Twitter policy. We do not use Facebook, and advise you not to either.
Support Us
We need help paying the bills for hosting this site, please consider supporting us financially.
Other Media Projects
Schnews
Dissident Island Radio
Corporate Watch
Media Lens
VisionOnTV
Earth First! Action Update
Earth First! Action Reports
Topics
All Topics
Afghanistan
Analysis
Animal Liberation
Anti-Nuclear
Anti-militarism
Anti-racism
Bio-technology
Climate Chaos
Culture
Ecology
Education
Energy Crisis
Fracking
Free Spaces
Gender
Globalisation
Health
History
Indymedia
Iraq
Migration
Ocean Defence
Other Press
Palestine
Policing
Public sector cuts
Repression
Social Struggles
Technology
Terror War
Workers' Movements
Zapatista
Major Reports
NATO 2014
G8 2013
Workfare
2011 Census Resistance
Occupy Everywhere
August Riots
Dale Farm
J30 Strike
Flotilla to Gaza
Mayday 2010
Tar Sands
G20 London Summit
University Occupations for Gaza
Guantanamo
Indymedia Server Seizure
COP15 Climate Summit 2009
Carmel Agrexco
G8 Japan 2008
SHAC
Stop Sequani
Stop RWB
Climate Camp 2008
Oaxaca Uprising
Rossport Solidarity
Smash EDO
SOCPA
Past Major Reports
Encrypted Page
You are viewing this page using an encrypted connection. If you bookmark this page or send its address in an email you might want to use the un-encrypted address of this page.
If you recieved a warning about an untrusted root certificate please install the CAcert root certificate, for more information see the security page.

Global IMC Network


www.indymedia.org

Projects
print
radio
satellite tv
video

Africa

Europe
antwerpen
armenia
athens
austria
barcelona
belarus
belgium
belgrade
brussels
bulgaria
calabria
croatia
cyprus
emilia-romagna
estrecho / madiaq
galiza
germany
grenoble
hungary
ireland
istanbul
italy
la plana
liege
liguria
lille
linksunten
lombardia
madrid
malta
marseille
nantes
napoli
netherlands
northern england
nottingham imc
paris/île-de-france
patras
piemonte
poland
portugal
roma
romania
russia
sardegna
scotland
sverige
switzerland
torun
toscana
ukraine
united kingdom
valencia

Latin America
argentina
bolivia
chiapas
chile
chile sur
cmi brasil
cmi sucre
colombia
ecuador
mexico
peru
puerto rico
qollasuyu
rosario
santiago
tijuana
uruguay
valparaiso
venezuela

Oceania
aotearoa
brisbane
burma
darwin
jakarta
manila
melbourne
perth
qc
sydney

South Asia
india


United States
arizona
arkansas
asheville
atlanta
Austin
binghamton
boston
buffalo
chicago
cleveland
colorado
columbus
dc
hawaii
houston
hudson mohawk
kansas city
la
madison
maine
miami
michigan
milwaukee
minneapolis/st. paul
new hampshire
new jersey
new mexico
new orleans
north carolina
north texas
nyc
oklahoma
philadelphia
pittsburgh
portland
richmond
rochester
rogue valley
saint louis
san diego
san francisco
san francisco bay area
santa barbara
santa cruz, ca
sarasota
seattle
tampa bay
united states
urbana-champaign
vermont
western mass
worcester

West Asia
Armenia
Beirut
Israel
Palestine

Topics
biotech

Process
fbi/legal updates
mailing lists
process & imc docs
tech