The Times 19th Febuary 2005

The government today claimed that the recent outbreak of anarchism in rural areas is 'under control'. Speaking outside number 10, Michael Portillo assured the public that despite critisisms, the mass cull of subversive undercultures was working and predicted the crisis would be over within a few months.

However, a couple of leading doctors in the area of treating anarchism have shown dissent over the stance shown by the government. Dr Rigget Onpolday said to the waiting media that the mass cull of anarchists was unnecessary and that brainwashing would be a much cheaper and kinder method to deal with the outbreak. Nonetheless, police forces around the country have continued rounding up the anarchists into vans for slaughter.

Betsy Crank was one of the poor parents who's child caught this terrible disease. She said yesterday: 'The whole family is distraught. We always thought our children were normal but now this happens. But the government is doing its best under trying circumstances and we will just have to support them in their policy. All children living within 500 metres of the site of infection were culled as a precautionary measure, and several more from the local school were declared to be dangerous contacts and were also culled.

There has been some confusion as to the actual methods of disposing of the anarchists, but the government claims once an anarchist is dead, it should pose no threat to the safety of local residents.

Anarchism is a highly infectious and dangerous illness, which threatens to tear the nation in two. Anarchists have regularly been known to attack the large corporations who fund public services and are seen by most as a threat to public life. The chairman of Britains Drive-thru NHS scheme said earlier today: 'Anarchism is certainly a threat to the lives of good honest robots. Being flesh driven is a rare priviledge in these modern times but people who abuse this honour are no better than trees or rabbits. As such I fully support these necessary measures being taken in order to stamp out this terrible disease.'

Human rights activists however were quick and sharp in their critisisms. A member of amnesty international was quoted as saying: 'erm, erm... we are happy with the measures being taken, but we will be there to make sure that all the necessary precautions are taken to ensure minimal suffering of the anarchists.' Fortunately, the governent soon after that statement, began a cull of human rights groups.