T Roughton | 08.08.2001 13:01
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GENOA - THE AFTERMATH
English policemen "A little upset to put it mildly"
We want missiles, claim UK's finest.
London, UK, August 8th
A mass demonstration which took place today outside police HQ Scotland Yard saw thousands of "boys in blue" rallying in support of what their Chief Constable decribed as a "public plea for freedom, equality, and the chance to kick 17 shades of shit out of anyone we want to"
In an emotional speech the Chief Constable went on to cite the armour cladding, tear gas, cattle prods, water cannons, rubber bullets, and bullets which make a noise like "whee" before performing surgical strikes on the nearest anarchist collective, which were, he said, commonly in use by police forces around the rest of the world.
"Compared to other forces of law & order, we coppers in the UK are in danger of just feeling silly" the Chief Constable continued. "Even the Eyeties got it together, which was a blow to morale, I don't mind telling you. Look at their strike rate. It made Mayday look like a Sunday picnic, and I'm not surprised. There's all this talk of a European riot squad, but quite frankly our boys aren't equipped for it. What we need is some serious weaponry. Missiles would be nice, but I suppose that's too much to hope for"
JUST AS THUGGISH
"My boys can be just as thuggish as the next carabinieri" the Chief concluded. "Over the last five years no-one I've recruited has been under six foot five, or had a thought of their own since 1997. We've got the ability. We've got the attitude. Now all we need is the government backing us".
The speech received wild applause from the excited police crowd, with truncheon waving protestors joining in chants of "Robocop! Robocop! We want Robocop!" and running up impromptu suits of armour out of nearby dustbin lids.
But, in a press release soon afterwards, Downing Street claimed there was no chance of turning the beloved British bobby into a futuristic version of Robocop.
"Robocop is a fictional character" the press release maintained. "And, although built like a brick outhouse, armed like a one man Trident, and only half human, he still had his soft side" it continued. "For example, he was fond of his wife, and often stopped in his duty to help people in trouble. We envisage the British police force evolving into something more like Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator One, though obviously he becomes a wuss in the sequel. Nevertheless, we are sympathetic to the Chief Constable's concerns, and are considering our position on a variety of suggestions, incuding mandatory exploding implants for anyone caught more than twice in a t shirt, for example"