"THE BRISTOLIAN" - 07/07/02 Full steam ahead through the shit
localnews4us@yahoo.co.uk | 04.01.2002 15:59
BRISTOLIAN EXCLUSIVE: ASHTON COURT SENSATION - DEVELOPERS SET TO BUILD ON PUBLIC PARKLAND SITE! HEARTLESS CORPORATE CROOKS THREATEN BAMBILAND! Tell the Kids Now!!!
Confidential plans from the UNIVERSITY OF THE WEST OF ENGLAND (UWE) ESTATES OFFICE - revealed to Bristol's No.1 investigative newspaper - show that the university is intending to sell off its entire BOWER ASHTON site to a developer. News of this hush-hush scheme will come as a major blow to the tens of thousands of Bristolians who enjoy Ashton Court every year and is sure to provoke furious resistance - not least from your caring Bristolian! It comes as part of UWE's policy of moving all of their campus up to their FRENCHAY site over the next few years - with the resulting increase of traffic in the already chocka-blocked area and further alienation of students from their local communities. The Bower Ashton buildings - which are home to the university's Art and Design department - occupy a prime site at the entrance to the Ashton Court Estate opposite the Deer Park. As such it will be a developer's dream and we understand that the UWE Estates Office is already in negotiations with one major developer which has drawn up plans for a LARGE RESIDENTIAL DEVELOPMENT. The price for these Parkland Homes would be astronomical and a virtual goldmine for the prospective developers. The price for the people of Bristol will be even greater with the loss of access to public space, bull-barred barboured yuppie SHOGUNS running over kids trying to feed the deer, and a hideous "point" style top of the range luxury development (check out Harbourside by Brunel's Buttery), complete with private security patrols and cameras at the entrance to our major green space. You can just see the corporate developers' flags fluttering in the breeze as you take the kids up to feed the deer. Just imagine the disruption to the tranquillity of the Estate caused by the building work alone. Doubtless as a sop to the punters the Developers will bung in a new drinking trough for the little bambis - resplendent in corporate logo - to show they're not just money grabbing bastards intend on wrecking our parkland. Imagine the twinkle in the City Council's eye: "Well we've wrecked the Centre and Harbourside. Where next? Let's round up our chums at UWE and the Chamber of Commerce and have a pop at Ashton Court". In any other City these scuzzbags would be run out of town, but here they run the show. But not this time! Oh no!! Don't let them get away with it!!! Think of the psychological effect on the poor bambis having to stare at fat hairy-arsed builders' cracks month after month. There now - we knew we could talk you round! SAVE BAMBILAND NOW!
------------------------------------------------------------
BRISTOL NEEDS MORE ERECTIONS: YO!HO!HO!
Your caring Bristolian is supporting the move by the Civic Society to erect a statue of LONG JOHN SILVER down by the HOLE IN THE WALL. This peg-leg pirate could serve as a commendable role model for people with disabilities who are often forced by DO-GOODERS into a law abiding lifestyle! We also want a statue of BANKSY in THE PIT, one of TRICKY on FILWOOD BROADWAY, one of BEKI BONDAGE by the old DEMOLITON DINER, and JULIE BURCHILL up FISHPONDS WAY and KALUMBA BALOGUN outside THE BLACK AND WHITE CAFÉ and SEAN STARR on SYMES AVENUE.
------------------------------------------------------------
FIGHTING FUND:
A record-breaking £68 was raised at the Bristolian's Xmas bash - cheers to all who dipped their hands into their pockets to support the paper that raises the stress levels of the high & mighty - you will not be forgotten!!
----------------------------------------------------------
If you'd like to sponsor an issue, bung us £40 (or what you can):
SEND YOUR NEWS/GOSSIP/SCANDAL/DONATIONS/OFFERS TO DISTRIBUTE TO: Box 3, Greenleaf Bookshop, 82 Colston Street
Or email us!
------------------------------------------------------------
TOBACCO BARONS ZERO-RATED BILLBOARD SCAM OVER A MILLION RIPPED OFF FROM CITY COUNCIL TAX PAYERS!
Bristol's Tobacco Barons - step forward Imperial Tobacco(profits last year £495 MILLION) - who are some of the world's richest businessmen, have for years been getting away with not paying business rates on their billboard advertising sites in Bristol, in collusion with the City Council's Business Rates Department. While ordinary punters are pursued through the Courts for any council tax arrears, the Tobacco Barons have been getting away for decades with not paying business rates on their billboard sites. A major investigation by YOUR CARING BRISTOLIAN has revealed that the Tobacco companies who rent their sites from advertising companies such as More O'Ferrall have consistently lied to the Rates Department about the number of billboards they lease. The annual business rate for a billboard site is currently £800 a year, but in many recent years Imperial Tobacco has under-reported by 75% the number of sites it leases - resulting in a loss of revenue to the City Council of over £100,000 A YEAR! Our research shows this practice has been going on for at least a decade which means the loss of over a millions pounds to the City's funds. Just think what that could do for our hard-pressed schools! Despite information passed on to them, the Council's Business Rates Dept does not even employ one worker full-time to check up on these business rates owed to them. IS THIS CORRUPTION?? We are investigating further - don't forget the Tobacco Industry is notorious throughout the world for bribery and double dealing. Bristol has a history of soft-pedalling on the Tobacco industry. In the 60s and early 70s, the Health Promotion Departments were told to "go easy" on information about the harmful effects of smoking, so as not to offend the wealthy Merchant Venturer tobacco barons. Who knows how many lives were lost because of this? Again we shall be investigating further. It may also be of interest that during election times the Tobacco barons hand over their sites for free to the Conservative Party - so our Laura Norder local Tories are also getting away with fiddling the rates. Maybe Dr Liam Fox would like to comment if he could stop arselicking the nearest Sloane Ranger for a second!
------------------------------------------------------------
PSEUDS CORNER: NO.1 LIZ LEWITT
The appalling snob and social climber LIZ LEWITT has finally managed to turn her festering rustbucket into IL BORDELLO - "ARTS BAR AND VIDEO LOUNGE". The risible project - intended to be Bristol's GROUCHO CLUB - has membership only open to - wait for it - "MULTIMEDIA CREATIVES". Ha! Fuckin Ha!Ha! What a wanker! When you look at the "prospective membership list", however - intended to coax others to join under the impression they'll be hanging out with Massive Attack and Portishead - its full of interior designers, PR consultants and "LAVINIA from the Chamber of Commerce". Just the kind of people you'd happily walk the plank to avoid! We can pick out a few such luminaries. There's that riveting couple Sue and John Midwinter. Lewitt boasts that "John is an entrepreneur and does interiors", while "Sue is a PRIVATE CATERER". What does that mean - she cooks her own fucking tea?! Emphasis on "private" to make her fascinating and not just any old caterer you understand. Compared to this lot any visiting Sue Pollards will be A-Listers! And there's Roger Davis, described as a "GAME DEALER" from Cotham. What's media-creative about that? He's just one up from a fucking rat catcher! Your caring Bristolian exclusively publishes Lewitt's list of "prospective members" for you, dear punters, to scan and see what you're missing out on, and why IL BORDELLO will soon be heading for Davy Jones' Locker! To join Lewitt's SNOB BOAT will cost you a mere £500 just to get in, or £1,000 corporate rate. These already represent a big drop in price from that Lewitt was originally proposing to charge - because there were predictably few takers. Lewitt wails "the membership fees were originally set in conjunction with a consultant from London but now we have decided to lower membership fees". The truth is that Lewitt was proposing a 3-Tier membership scheme: Silver for the interior designers, Gold for anyone vaguely to do with the media, and Platinum for Nick Park/Massive Attack/Beth Gibbons etc. When none of these showed any interest in coughing up £2,000 a year to hang out with a work experience girl from the Bristol Observer and the woman wot cooks for Aardman Animation, she realised her consultant was talking the proverbial metropolitan bollocks. The opening of Massive Attack's Nocturne Club was a further kick up the gunnels. She is reassured though by an endorsement from an anonymous "media solicitor": "It would be useful to have a venue where we can present prospective legisltation to our clients in an artistic ambience with no risk of marauding townies". To join you have to show "proof of professional integrity", though apparently "a sample of corporate stationery will do". How very individualistic! Expect much wailing and gnashing of teeth by about June this year when this Ship of Fools finally founders and there's a long line of gullible Lavinias trying to get their money back!
------------------------------------------------------------
THAT LEWITT LIST IN FULL (as printed in Il Bordello's "Prospective Members" list):
Adrian Utley - Portishead, Alex Smailes - Photographer/Sygma Agency, Ali Stevens - Peachey Films, Alison Smith - Coda Architects, A Naughten - Cintra, Annie McGann - Writer, Anthony Braine - ARB Music, Anne Sheldon - Venue/Blue Aeroplanes, Austin Mockeridge - Bristol Bierkeller, Angelo - Massive Attack, Andy Tomali n- Programmer, Barbara Evripidou - Photographer, Barnaby Taylor - Composer for Film & TV, Beth Gibbons - Portishead, Becky Hubbard - Full Cycle Records, Budge - Chef/Bristolian Café, Bella Gough - Music Industry Accounts Specialist, Bill Butt - Atlas Adventures - Film Maker, Chris Grogan - CAG, Chris Scott - Crawdaddy, Ceris Reed - McCann Erikson, Charlotte Hazelby - DJ/CS PR, Craig Williams - MWM/Vision Management, Chris Pink - Art Collector, Craig Marshall - R-Net, Catherine Johnson - Film & TV Writer, David Riddett - DOP Aardman Animations, David Lawrence - Dojo, David Murphy - Prof of Experimental Medicine and Author, Dawn Tomalin - Furniture Maker, Dave Osman - Animator, Dougal Templeton - Venue Mangazine, D - Massive Attack, Emma & Dom - Creative Business Solutions, Frances Butt - Composer/Singer, Geoff Barrow - Portishead, George Ferguson - Architect, Grantley - Massive attack, Gary Parker - Antiques Dealer, Greg Marston - Media Consultant, Garth O'Donnell - Bristol Books, Helen Baxter - The Knowledge Board, Ian Jewels - Film Maker, Ian Thompson - HTV, Jake Davis - DJ, Jody - DJ/Way Out West, John Midwinter - Entrepreneur/Interiors, Jimmy Graham - Photographer, Jeremy Dickman-Wilkes - Architect/Designer, Kay Campbell - Director, Spike Island, Kate Salisbury - BBC, Lesley Morgan - Film Maker, Liz Milner - South West Media Development Agency, Lloyd Burnell - HHC Fresh, Luke Bizios - McCann Erikson, Les Du-Cann - Composer/Musicina, Lavinia Riley - Chamber of Commerce, Mike Bullen - TV Writer, Marcus Stone - Cobalt Communications, Mike Crawford - Musician, Morag MacDonald - Photographer, Maggie Cousins - E-Entrepreneur, Make Derby - Sugar Shack Records, Mandy Chaos - Decibelle Music Agency, Nia Owen - Decibelle Agency, Neil & Mandy - The Bank Tapas Bar, Nick Warren - DJ/Way Out West, Patrick Duggan - Lindley Johnstone, Philippa Carter - Web Direct (UK) Ltd, Paul McGann - Actor, Penny Skuse - South West Film Commission, Paul Steventone - Lindley Johnstone, Rick Wall - Wall 2 Wall Interiors, Rob Hifle - Burrell, Durrant, Hifle , Roger Davis - Game Dealer, Sam Mason - TV Presenter, Scott Taylor - Soundtrack Musician, Selina Snow - Painter/Snow Gallery London, Sue Khosravi - Image Maker/Manipulator, Steve Camovale - Musician, Steve Hailey - The Vision Factory, Simon Emmerton - Programmer, S & P Brill - PR, Suzanne Bisset - Vison On/Tankin, Sofia & Hank - Milo Interiors, Sue Midwinter - Private Caterer, Steve Hayley - Vision Factory, Sally Larkin - Decibelle Agency, Steve Carnivale - Musician, Steve Green - Web Direct (UK) Ltd, Tracey Corner - Evening Post/HTV, Tania Rich - Professional Voice Over, Tristan B - Galaxy 101, Toby Farrar - Film Maker/Cameraman, Valerie Dugan - Calligrapher, Victoria Legg - Urban Angel PR.
Confidential plans from the UNIVERSITY OF THE WEST OF ENGLAND (UWE) ESTATES OFFICE - revealed to Bristol's No.1 investigative newspaper - show that the university is intending to sell off its entire BOWER ASHTON site to a developer. News of this hush-hush scheme will come as a major blow to the tens of thousands of Bristolians who enjoy Ashton Court every year and is sure to provoke furious resistance - not least from your caring Bristolian! It comes as part of UWE's policy of moving all of their campus up to their FRENCHAY site over the next few years - with the resulting increase of traffic in the already chocka-blocked area and further alienation of students from their local communities. The Bower Ashton buildings - which are home to the university's Art and Design department - occupy a prime site at the entrance to the Ashton Court Estate opposite the Deer Park. As such it will be a developer's dream and we understand that the UWE Estates Office is already in negotiations with one major developer which has drawn up plans for a LARGE RESIDENTIAL DEVELOPMENT. The price for these Parkland Homes would be astronomical and a virtual goldmine for the prospective developers. The price for the people of Bristol will be even greater with the loss of access to public space, bull-barred barboured yuppie SHOGUNS running over kids trying to feed the deer, and a hideous "point" style top of the range luxury development (check out Harbourside by Brunel's Buttery), complete with private security patrols and cameras at the entrance to our major green space. You can just see the corporate developers' flags fluttering in the breeze as you take the kids up to feed the deer. Just imagine the disruption to the tranquillity of the Estate caused by the building work alone. Doubtless as a sop to the punters the Developers will bung in a new drinking trough for the little bambis - resplendent in corporate logo - to show they're not just money grabbing bastards intend on wrecking our parkland. Imagine the twinkle in the City Council's eye: "Well we've wrecked the Centre and Harbourside. Where next? Let's round up our chums at UWE and the Chamber of Commerce and have a pop at Ashton Court". In any other City these scuzzbags would be run out of town, but here they run the show. But not this time! Oh no!! Don't let them get away with it!!! Think of the psychological effect on the poor bambis having to stare at fat hairy-arsed builders' cracks month after month. There now - we knew we could talk you round! SAVE BAMBILAND NOW!
------------------------------------------------------------
BRISTOL NEEDS MORE ERECTIONS: YO!HO!HO!
Your caring Bristolian is supporting the move by the Civic Society to erect a statue of LONG JOHN SILVER down by the HOLE IN THE WALL. This peg-leg pirate could serve as a commendable role model for people with disabilities who are often forced by DO-GOODERS into a law abiding lifestyle! We also want a statue of BANKSY in THE PIT, one of TRICKY on FILWOOD BROADWAY, one of BEKI BONDAGE by the old DEMOLITON DINER, and JULIE BURCHILL up FISHPONDS WAY and KALUMBA BALOGUN outside THE BLACK AND WHITE CAFÉ and SEAN STARR on SYMES AVENUE.
------------------------------------------------------------
FIGHTING FUND:
A record-breaking £68 was raised at the Bristolian's Xmas bash - cheers to all who dipped their hands into their pockets to support the paper that raises the stress levels of the high & mighty - you will not be forgotten!!
----------------------------------------------------------
If you'd like to sponsor an issue, bung us £40 (or what you can):
SEND YOUR NEWS/GOSSIP/SCANDAL/DONATIONS/OFFERS TO DISTRIBUTE TO: Box 3, Greenleaf Bookshop, 82 Colston Street
Or email us!
------------------------------------------------------------
TOBACCO BARONS ZERO-RATED BILLBOARD SCAM OVER A MILLION RIPPED OFF FROM CITY COUNCIL TAX PAYERS!
Bristol's Tobacco Barons - step forward Imperial Tobacco(profits last year £495 MILLION) - who are some of the world's richest businessmen, have for years been getting away with not paying business rates on their billboard advertising sites in Bristol, in collusion with the City Council's Business Rates Department. While ordinary punters are pursued through the Courts for any council tax arrears, the Tobacco Barons have been getting away for decades with not paying business rates on their billboard sites. A major investigation by YOUR CARING BRISTOLIAN has revealed that the Tobacco companies who rent their sites from advertising companies such as More O'Ferrall have consistently lied to the Rates Department about the number of billboards they lease. The annual business rate for a billboard site is currently £800 a year, but in many recent years Imperial Tobacco has under-reported by 75% the number of sites it leases - resulting in a loss of revenue to the City Council of over £100,000 A YEAR! Our research shows this practice has been going on for at least a decade which means the loss of over a millions pounds to the City's funds. Just think what that could do for our hard-pressed schools! Despite information passed on to them, the Council's Business Rates Dept does not even employ one worker full-time to check up on these business rates owed to them. IS THIS CORRUPTION?? We are investigating further - don't forget the Tobacco Industry is notorious throughout the world for bribery and double dealing. Bristol has a history of soft-pedalling on the Tobacco industry. In the 60s and early 70s, the Health Promotion Departments were told to "go easy" on information about the harmful effects of smoking, so as not to offend the wealthy Merchant Venturer tobacco barons. Who knows how many lives were lost because of this? Again we shall be investigating further. It may also be of interest that during election times the Tobacco barons hand over their sites for free to the Conservative Party - so our Laura Norder local Tories are also getting away with fiddling the rates. Maybe Dr Liam Fox would like to comment if he could stop arselicking the nearest Sloane Ranger for a second!
------------------------------------------------------------
PSEUDS CORNER: NO.1 LIZ LEWITT
The appalling snob and social climber LIZ LEWITT has finally managed to turn her festering rustbucket into IL BORDELLO - "ARTS BAR AND VIDEO LOUNGE". The risible project - intended to be Bristol's GROUCHO CLUB - has membership only open to - wait for it - "MULTIMEDIA CREATIVES". Ha! Fuckin Ha!Ha! What a wanker! When you look at the "prospective membership list", however - intended to coax others to join under the impression they'll be hanging out with Massive Attack and Portishead - its full of interior designers, PR consultants and "LAVINIA from the Chamber of Commerce". Just the kind of people you'd happily walk the plank to avoid! We can pick out a few such luminaries. There's that riveting couple Sue and John Midwinter. Lewitt boasts that "John is an entrepreneur and does interiors", while "Sue is a PRIVATE CATERER". What does that mean - she cooks her own fucking tea?! Emphasis on "private" to make her fascinating and not just any old caterer you understand. Compared to this lot any visiting Sue Pollards will be A-Listers! And there's Roger Davis, described as a "GAME DEALER" from Cotham. What's media-creative about that? He's just one up from a fucking rat catcher! Your caring Bristolian exclusively publishes Lewitt's list of "prospective members" for you, dear punters, to scan and see what you're missing out on, and why IL BORDELLO will soon be heading for Davy Jones' Locker! To join Lewitt's SNOB BOAT will cost you a mere £500 just to get in, or £1,000 corporate rate. These already represent a big drop in price from that Lewitt was originally proposing to charge - because there were predictably few takers. Lewitt wails "the membership fees were originally set in conjunction with a consultant from London but now we have decided to lower membership fees". The truth is that Lewitt was proposing a 3-Tier membership scheme: Silver for the interior designers, Gold for anyone vaguely to do with the media, and Platinum for Nick Park/Massive Attack/Beth Gibbons etc. When none of these showed any interest in coughing up £2,000 a year to hang out with a work experience girl from the Bristol Observer and the woman wot cooks for Aardman Animation, she realised her consultant was talking the proverbial metropolitan bollocks. The opening of Massive Attack's Nocturne Club was a further kick up the gunnels. She is reassured though by an endorsement from an anonymous "media solicitor": "It would be useful to have a venue where we can present prospective legisltation to our clients in an artistic ambience with no risk of marauding townies". To join you have to show "proof of professional integrity", though apparently "a sample of corporate stationery will do". How very individualistic! Expect much wailing and gnashing of teeth by about June this year when this Ship of Fools finally founders and there's a long line of gullible Lavinias trying to get their money back!
------------------------------------------------------------
THAT LEWITT LIST IN FULL (as printed in Il Bordello's "Prospective Members" list):
Adrian Utley - Portishead, Alex Smailes - Photographer/Sygma Agency, Ali Stevens - Peachey Films, Alison Smith - Coda Architects, A Naughten - Cintra, Annie McGann - Writer, Anthony Braine - ARB Music, Anne Sheldon - Venue/Blue Aeroplanes, Austin Mockeridge - Bristol Bierkeller, Angelo - Massive Attack, Andy Tomali n- Programmer, Barbara Evripidou - Photographer, Barnaby Taylor - Composer for Film & TV, Beth Gibbons - Portishead, Becky Hubbard - Full Cycle Records, Budge - Chef/Bristolian Café, Bella Gough - Music Industry Accounts Specialist, Bill Butt - Atlas Adventures - Film Maker, Chris Grogan - CAG, Chris Scott - Crawdaddy, Ceris Reed - McCann Erikson, Charlotte Hazelby - DJ/CS PR, Craig Williams - MWM/Vision Management, Chris Pink - Art Collector, Craig Marshall - R-Net, Catherine Johnson - Film & TV Writer, David Riddett - DOP Aardman Animations, David Lawrence - Dojo, David Murphy - Prof of Experimental Medicine and Author, Dawn Tomalin - Furniture Maker, Dave Osman - Animator, Dougal Templeton - Venue Mangazine, D - Massive Attack, Emma & Dom - Creative Business Solutions, Frances Butt - Composer/Singer, Geoff Barrow - Portishead, George Ferguson - Architect, Grantley - Massive attack, Gary Parker - Antiques Dealer, Greg Marston - Media Consultant, Garth O'Donnell - Bristol Books, Helen Baxter - The Knowledge Board, Ian Jewels - Film Maker, Ian Thompson - HTV, Jake Davis - DJ, Jody - DJ/Way Out West, John Midwinter - Entrepreneur/Interiors, Jimmy Graham - Photographer, Jeremy Dickman-Wilkes - Architect/Designer, Kay Campbell - Director, Spike Island, Kate Salisbury - BBC, Lesley Morgan - Film Maker, Liz Milner - South West Media Development Agency, Lloyd Burnell - HHC Fresh, Luke Bizios - McCann Erikson, Les Du-Cann - Composer/Musicina, Lavinia Riley - Chamber of Commerce, Mike Bullen - TV Writer, Marcus Stone - Cobalt Communications, Mike Crawford - Musician, Morag MacDonald - Photographer, Maggie Cousins - E-Entrepreneur, Make Derby - Sugar Shack Records, Mandy Chaos - Decibelle Music Agency, Nia Owen - Decibelle Agency, Neil & Mandy - The Bank Tapas Bar, Nick Warren - DJ/Way Out West, Patrick Duggan - Lindley Johnstone, Philippa Carter - Web Direct (UK) Ltd, Paul McGann - Actor, Penny Skuse - South West Film Commission, Paul Steventone - Lindley Johnstone, Rick Wall - Wall 2 Wall Interiors, Rob Hifle - Burrell, Durrant, Hifle , Roger Davis - Game Dealer, Sam Mason - TV Presenter, Scott Taylor - Soundtrack Musician, Selina Snow - Painter/Snow Gallery London, Sue Khosravi - Image Maker/Manipulator, Steve Camovale - Musician, Steve Hailey - The Vision Factory, Simon Emmerton - Programmer, S & P Brill - PR, Suzanne Bisset - Vison On/Tankin, Sofia & Hank - Milo Interiors, Sue Midwinter - Private Caterer, Steve Hayley - Vision Factory, Sally Larkin - Decibelle Agency, Steve Carnivale - Musician, Steve Green - Web Direct (UK) Ltd, Tracey Corner - Evening Post/HTV, Tania Rich - Professional Voice Over, Tristan B - Galaxy 101, Toby Farrar - Film Maker/Cameraman, Valerie Dugan - Calligrapher, Victoria Legg - Urban Angel PR.
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