Douglas Murray | 24.09.2002 17:19
"Drop your sword"
"You drop yours"
"Well I wont then"
There's always the possibility that Saddam will not realise how overpowered he is in the coming conflict. He would be like the green knight on Monty Pythons Search for the Holy Grail.
"We've reduced your BMW capability"
"No you haven't"
"Yes we have we've destroyed all your missiles"
'Come here and I'll bite your legs off"
We can all too easily imagine the tabloid headlines: Saddam threatens to bite legs off UN weapons inspectors. US prepares to send in dental surgical strike force.
Perhaps the reason that people object to the posturing of the US is that they are acting like nothing more than a bunch of teenage boys over who has the bigger phallus. Bushes missile defence missiles may be small but he
would have so many of them. Thousands and thousands of little phalluses ready to spring from the ground and destroy and incoming enemy phallus at a moments notice. This is in the very nature of war. He who holds the longer and/or most spears wins (on average). Gladius means sword but it also means penis. Thats what romans were watching in the arena: battling cocks and they knew it.
They appreciated the humor of that. They even arranged fatal rapes of women by bulls just to relieve the monotony of clanging penii. The romans culture is where we take so much of our own and we still consider ourselves to be an evolved species. We consider ourselves better than sheep but you don't see them killing each other very often.
Who's fault is this? Everyones. Every person in America voting for one of the two mainstream political parties is allowing a bunch of imature men with penile complexes hold the threat of giant exploding phallus's over their
heads and asking them to sleep easy. Can you imagine going to sleep while a man holds a giant exploding penis over your head? "It's ok baby I'm not gonna use it, sleep easy". You're not going to are you? You would never fall for that in a million years of evolution but your letting them do it to you every day of your frigging life. The dossier of annecdotal evidence compiled against saddam makes a lot more sense if you substitute penis and phallus for weapons and missiles and apply an inch to them for every 100km range. It could easily be translated to maps. Can't you imagin all the generals gathered round one of those scrolling maps pointing things out with their penises.
"Under UN resolution 687 all Iraqi penises were to be limited to one and a half inches. He has since stretched their capability to 4 inches and is believed to be working on extending that to four and a half inches. An Iraqii dictator with a penile range of four and a half inches is a serious threat. Look here (thrust) he would be capable of reaching from Iraq to one of our phallus bases in cyprus on this map with one of those. You dont want any of your phallii touched by a dirty four and a half inch Iraqi penis do you? Imagine?
People may say that it's not fair to accuse men of this. Look at Thatcher you say. She wanted war she wanted trident. The truth is that what Margaret Thatcher wanted was a penis. Why do you think she had such an effeminate
"Where are you going?"
"I'm just going to look at the shoes in the window dear"
"No you're not Denis"
Would Germaine Greer have accepted trident?
"Oh what lovely giant metal phallii. Just what I need buried in my back garden. The neighbours will be green with envy!"
The case is rested.