The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq:
he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been
really pissed off with Mr. Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down
the
street.

Well, him and Mr. Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give
>me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr. Johnson is planning something nasty
for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.

I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to, but
he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr.
Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know -- from very good sources
--
that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street
telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbors say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the
police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they
need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbors.

They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights
and wrongs of a preemptive strike and all the while Mr. Johnson will
be finalizing his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr. Patel
will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the
street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to
me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a little
difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that all I
need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do
whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr. Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards
Iraq
is the only way to bring about international peace and security. The
one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr. Johnson's garage and kill his wife
and
children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave
us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.

Mr. Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq
is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
destruction -- even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as
much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr
Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr. Bush's long-term aim is to make the
world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.
It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know when
you've achieved it?

How will Mr. Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When every
single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a terrorist
once he's committed an act of terror.

What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers,
have already eliminated themselves.

Perhaps Mr. Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a
future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective
until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate
Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe
thing to do would be for Mr. Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr. Johnson and Mr. Patel are just the tip
of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I
don't like and who -- quite frankly -- look at me in odd ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I
might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic
as the President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr. Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough
reason for the President, it's good enough for me.

I'm going to give the whole street two weeks -- no, 10 days -- to come
out in the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers,
galactic outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they
don't hand them over nicely and say 'Thank you,' I'm going to bomb the
entire street to kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing -- and, in
contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
street.

Sincerely,

Terry Jones