A modest proposal for all who are considering marching in Washington or elsewhere on March 15:

THE DUCT TAPE ACROSS AMERICA CAMPAIGN!

People who oppose Bush's genocidal war on Iraq are the truest patriots of all - people who genuinely care about their country and its conduct in the world, not to mention its security.

At a cost of billions of dollars, Bush created the Department of Homeland Security, presumably to keep us all safe, right? And who are we, mere citizens, to argue with the presumably infallible logic of Shrub and his Homeland Insecurity czar, Tom Ridge, who - after, we would expect, tremendous amounts of diligent scientific study - has advised us that we are to keep ourselves safe with that old stalwart, duct tape?

Everyone knows that duct tape has innumerable valuable household uses, from patching a leaky muffler to repairing threadbare carpeting. But now we've learned that it's also AMERICA'S FRONT LINE OF DEFENSE AGAINST TERRORISM! Who knew?

Since we all want to keep America safe, it is our humble suggestion that those protesting in DC or elsewhere on the 15th come armed with PLENTY of super-strong, super-durable duct tape, and proceed to "secure" everything in sight. Since duct tape's magical and hitherto unknown properties seemingly include the creation of an impenetrable force field invulnerable to chemical, biological, or nuclear attack, it stands to reason that affixing a small strip of it to anything and everything in need of that extra bit of security should do the trick.

Imagine: by simply applying one-inch squares, say, of duct tape to the sidewalk in front of the white house, YOU can do YOUR PART to keep America safe from Terrorism! And wherever Bush, Cheney, or their minions in the media look, they'll see EVIDENCE that some proud American cared enough to do their part to make America more secure! What could be more patriotic? Just think! Through the miracle of DUCT TAPE, items such as flag poles, lampposts, fences, phone booths, soda machines, public telephones - anything you can think of - can be made MAGICALLY INVULNERABLE to Georgie Bush's imaginary invading Iraqi armies!

Defending America has never been so simple, so nonviolent, or - at $3.97 down at the ol' hardware store - so cost-effective! Since the good folks over at the Department of Homeland Security can drop tens of billions of your dollars to make this carefully-reasoned recommendation, you can afford to chip in another $3.97 (plus applicable sales taxes), right?

So: SAY IT WITH DUCT TAPE! AND KEEP AMERICA FREE!

A public service announcement from fuckthewar.com


***PROUD AMERICANS: PLEASE FEEL FREE TO FORWARD THIS ANNOUNCEMENT TO PATRIOTS EVERYWHERE! THANK YOU!***