Consider a third alternative
By Scott Scheule
Guest Columnist

April 24, 2003

My very good friend, Jacob, informed me that we, the Libertarians, managed to get a mention in last week’s Old Gold and Black. Huzzah! This is big news (big enough to be in a real newspaper). I mean, most of the time I even forget who we are, though the Libertarian Party is, according to my biased Libertarian sources, the fastest growing third party — and, say the same sources, great in the sack, too. Somehow, some way, Ayn Rand’s to thank, on both accounts. Forget the Kama Sutra; find yourself a used copy of The Fountainhead. And invest in some handcuffs — trust me.

Mr. Doerfler, in his guest appearance last week (“Injustice often misunderstood,” April 17), mentioned, “Equal treatment does not have to mean treatment of indifference, despite what conservatives and Libertarians may lead you to believe.” Now obviously my biggest problem here is that the conservatives got first billing, which I can’t understand for the life of me. Second, and keep in mind, I’m rather dense, I don’t see how one can possibly say two people are being treated equally when they aren’t being treated equally. Dense … sorry.

Now, don’t get me wrong — Libertarians are all for discrimination (politically correct statements like that keep our meetings cozy and intimate and … unattended). I, for instance, discriminate quite heavily when dating, especially against bald Jewish men. I’ve made it a policy to never date bald Jewish men (hear that, Chaim? Now, stop sending me the damn flowers). Now some people — my friend Jacob perhaps — might be quite fond of Semitic pilgarlics, and far be it from me to criticize his personal penchants or say mine are superior. And far be it from him to criticize me and my handcuffs. Some like blonds, some like brunettes, some take blacks, some take whites, some prefer Beethoven’s Symphonies, some prefer ELO’s greatest hits, (actually, I’m probably alone on that one) some like it hot, some like it cold, some go for intelligence, and some go for liberalism (another one of those PC statements right there) — we’ve all got our preferences.

So don’t get us wrong; we don’t want equal treatment by any means. And do you? Do you want myopic opticians doing laser-eye surgery on your pupils? That sounds like a case of the blind cutting the blind to me. Do you want to spend your Saturday nights with a Judaic cue ball? (If so, let me know — I know somebody I can hook you up with). Discriminate all you want (unless you’re that hot girl in my politics class who keeps shooting me down — you could stand to discriminate a wee bit less, baby).

So yeah, Libertarians are just like those racist liberals who think that blacks deserve to go to school more than whites, simply by virtue of their blackness. Don’t give me that lifetime of oppression rubbish. Ugly people are highly oppressed too, but I’ve yet to see the UGLY box on any admission form (not that I’d have any reason to check it, mind you). But the Libertarian and liberal lanes diverge on several points (we, for instance, understand economics) and this is one of those forks in the road. Because though we give a big thumbs up to discrimination, we give a bigger thumbs down to making other people pay for it. Personally, I don’t care if the University of Michigan discriminates against white applicants, nor do I care if Wake Forest discriminates against the uglies — which actually might not be the worst policy — however, I do take issue with forcing other people to pay for that discrimination. I have no problem with Jacob taking Chaim to dinner, as long as I’m not paying the bill. But tax money is being diverted from blacks and whites to these discriminating schools, like University of Michigan (and if Mr. Doerfler’s claims about income inequalities between the races are true, whites are being bent “progressively” further over the barrel).

The schools are taking the African American race to dinner, and European Americans (Asians, even more so) are being forced to pay the bill. Now when I finally get that much coveted female from the politics seminar out to supper (and I will — Libertarians are nothing if not persistent) — if the black couple at the table across the room passes their bill to me and expects me to pay it … well, I’m going to laugh and ask, “Is this a joke?” (It’s the same thing I do when I look at my tax return).

“We’ve been oppressed. We feel you owe us.”

“My ancestors hailed from Germany — they came over long after this slavery brouhaha. Neither I, nor they, put any of those whack Jimmy Crow laws into effect. Seriously, is this a joke?”

Only morally.

Maybe I’ll just pass the bill to the Japanese couple sitting next to us.