May 9th, 2003 (19 Pitn, 2542 in old money)
(Pict Defence Force spokesperson, flanked by members of its political wing, emphasises a point at an interview given to various press agencies at a secure location in Aberforth ("Edinburgh") on May 9th, 2003, corresponding to 19 Pitn, 2542
Why are Picts building in Edinburgh?
We call it Aberforth Edwin had no right to name a city after himself. We are the original owners of this land which you call “Scot-Land” and we are building these settlements in Pictland to fulfill the prophecy of the which promises the return of this land to the Picts, as the Picked People of the Great Spirit. (I am not religious myself, but many of my fellow Picts believe in this prophecy.)
Picts are not happy in any other countries we want our own land and we are going to take it!
What about Scots? Where will they go?
There is probably no such thing as Scots, they’re all usurpers of our land. They are all descended from Romans, Vikings, Saxons, Irish, Normans, and a host of other riff-raff. Many are terrorists or at least potential terrorists and will have to transfer or relocate to other countries in Europe. There are many European countries for them to choose from. This will be the ONLY Pictish land on the face of the earth. It is sacred. How can they be so selfish!
This does not sound realistic. How on earth are you going to achieve that?
Not realistic. Get real! Tell that to the Israelis, who did it and are doing it to the Palestinians We can do it to so-called “Scots”. You just need determination, weapons and powerful friends. We are joining the US-British War against Terrorism and, together with, an admittedly controversial figure, Ariel Sharon of Israel, we will kill anyone who opposes us and we have very high hopes that George Bush and Tony Blair will support us fully, even if they have to criticize us sometimes in public!
OK, I see what you are saying but this is not very civilised.
We are beyond your ideas of “civilized”. We are fighting for our survival as a people. Scots only want to kill Picts, all of us, by driving us into the North Sea, or maybe the Minch, or the Moray Firth even. They don’t say this openly but that is what they want. Getting rid of so-called Scots and building settlements is essential to establishing Greater Pictland. Our Ministry of the Interior has announced: “We must use terror, assassination, intimidation, land confiscation and the cutting of all social services to rid Scotland of its Scottish population” (*) Our great general, Dai ‘An, also enjoins us: “Let us make our reckoning today. We are a generation of settlers, and without the steel helmet and gun barrel, we shall not be able to plant a tree or build a house”
Surely Scots are not going to be happy with your plan. They are certain to fight back. How are you going to deal with them if they resist?
We will rule over them with an iron fist until they give in. And we’ll get away with it because we’ll be part of the War against Terrorim and they will be terrorists. We will insist on calling them terrorists – then we can do whatever we want to them. Scots are all terrorists!
How is the rest of the world going to live with all the pain you cause Scots?
An ancient recipe called “Denial”. We can even say that they never existed: “There was no such thing as the Scots. They never existed” says our greatest wise woman, Gol Dam Aier. Anyway, if there is a people called Scots, then these Scots are all terrorists.
This is really mad. Are there no sane Picts among you who think otherwise?
Good that you asked. Actually, we’re the humane Picts. We are, in fact, uncomfortable with the actions of our brothers and sisters, some of the Sacred Book Picts. Unlike them, we are generous, kind and giving by nature.
In the case of Aberforth, for example, we have gone so far as to offer the natives a whole part of the city, including great tower blocks rising to the sky. This generous offer was transmitted to the new mayor and City Council through the good offices of the United States Consulate here in the city. Sadly, we hear, the City Council are still not happy and are demanding more land from what will be the ONLY Pictish homeland in the whole entire world. And this from Europeans on the edge of the vast continent of Europe! Apart from insisting on having two huge sets of tower blocks adjacent to each other, the new Mayor wants access to the water supply. This intransigence only strengthens the hand of the extremists among the Picts. We hope that men of goodwill can come together to prevail upon Edwin-burgh City Council to see reason.
Are there some Picts who say that this is wrong?
There are some dissenting Picts, “self-haters”; other objectors are “anti-Pict”.
You are reported to have among your ranks people who do not seem to be Pictish at all! Why?
They are all Picts. Some have just converted to Pictism, by accepting the Pictish Sacred Book.
And some have not. They even eat leavened bread and wear trousers. So you do not have to be a religious Pict to be a Pict?
Not necessarily. If you’re granny was sort of Pict-ish, or anyway if you’re not a Scot, we’ll take you! We decide who is and is not a Pict.
So you do not have to be a religious Pict to be a Pict? I am getting all confused here. Can you tell me more about why are you doing this?
Now you are going into muddy waters - just remember, we are the victims, the rightful owners of this land, and the Scots are terrorists or potential terrorists. Lets not discuss; let’s just repeat, please.
This is very important. Why not discuss the issue?
War against terrorism…Scots terrorists…weak on terrorism…harbouring terrorists…Picts against terrorism…Scots terrorism…Pictish counter-terrorism…Scots safe haven… Al MacQaeda…
What are your immediate plans?
Within a very short time, the world will sit up and take notice of our claims which have been ignored for too long (a few thousands years actually). We will carry out an action in Aberforth (so-called Edinburgh) to assert our inalienable, national rights to this soil and to begin the process of driving out the interlopers, the so-called “Scots” who have squatted on the sacred soil of Pictland for too long.
Pict Defence Force
May 9th, 2003 / 19 Pitn, 2542
All communications, including requests for enlistment, to email@example.com
PICT HOLY BOOK
And the Great Spirit has given all of these lands to those whom he named Picts, on the undeniable grounds that we were “picked” by Him. “Picked have you been by Me above all others,” He boomed and thus bore we the solemn name of Picts. No other tribes picked He. And at that dreamy time there were no people there who committed the abomination of eating leavened bread whic is named Ho-vis or wearing trousers. And all the Picts lived peacefully in that bounteous land, except for a few raids on neighbours for plunder. And the Picts, being upright in the eyes of the Great Maker of the World, regretted all the massacres which they were forced to carry out in self-defence during these activities, even though the Great maker of the World allows us to massacre in self-defence
But some Picts ate of the leavened bread which is named Ho-vis, and some took to wearing trousers, which angered the Great Spirit and he allowed his beloved Picts to be massacred and driven off their lands by alien peoples. The Great maker of the World summoned up the vile Scottii and the Romans and the Vikings and the Saxons and a whole list of other invaders allowed He to scourge and expel the Picts from their native Pictland. Verily we were seriously “un-picked” for quite a long time.
For the Picts did wander in the wilderness for near 2,000 years, living beyond and even among the barbarian Scottii and Angles and Welsh. Some tribes of Picts wandered off to France and Italy and went native and good luck to them. But the Great Spirit punished most of his Picts for all of their 2,000-year sojourn in the lands of Bri-tain.
Yet during all this lamentation, the Picts have held on for our Great Maker of the world did make a Covenant with us that we would return to our homeland. And a long succession of Pictish holy men and wise women have reported visions and trances and heavy binges during which this Covenant with his “Picked People” has been renewed. For we are still the “Picked People” of the Great Spirit. Yeah, even as He toys with us.
Now although we must have been very wicked, possibly wearing not just trousers but even flares during our long exile, we are not without feeling for those abominators who have usurped our lands and occupied our hearths through the ages. Thus our recent prophet promised to redeem us by finding us “a land without people for a people without a land”. Verily, however, Antarctica is only for total nutters and we are coming to take back the cities and towns and villages and hamlets and fields and locks and stocks and barrels of our ancestral home, Pictland, which has been usurped and occupied by the barbarian Scottii. Even have they renamed our land “Scot-land” and turned it into a place where trousers are worn and levened bread which is named Ho-vis is eaten.
When we have redeemed Holy Pict-land, the natives will be treated according to their right due as those shunned by the Great Spirit. For we will be over them and they will be under us and all good things of Earth will be ours and they will be allowed to dwell and toil and moil in our land until we deem them ready for transfer to that Isle called Man.
And that is about that. Verily the Great Maker of the World smiles upon us and enjoins us to scourge the natives. We have got it made. Wretches who fail to see the light must be made to flee the darkness and seek illumination. Such include all manner of socialists and greens and human rights campaigners of every stripe and hue.
And the Great Maker of the World promises that he will remain with His “Picked People” until they return to their Land. Enjoineth He us to commence at the Great Capital of Aberforth ("Edin-Burgh") and there will our new stone circle be builded, which will attract more tourists than Stonehenge and greatly benefit the hotel trade of Aberforth, who seem to call all the shots in that city these days.
To the Scottii whom the Great Spirit used as an instrument to sore harry and scourge his Picts (we who are his favourites!), He says that their job is now done and it is time to leave so-called “Scot-land” and make way for His “Picked People”. “This is tough love,” sayeth, the Great Maker of the World, “Get over it! Move on!”
And to those who raise their hands against the anointed of the Great Maker of the World, we will smite them and scourge them and keep them lowly in status in the land of the Picts. Lowly will they be and named as doers of terror. Unto the tenth generation.