Out of the Closet: Mom, Dad...I’m...Conservative!
By Ruben Duran, The Michigan Review, Volume 21, Issue 2

I TAKE A LOT of flak for things I do and say. Sometimes it feels like being a moderately "conservative," common-sense person, I have to walk on a lot of eggshells. Since many college students are inherently liberal, I feel as though I have to hide my political beliefs, lest I be accosted because of them; thus when I am iouted,i I worry about losing my friends. So, here it is (and I promise this will be the first and last time): my gripe column.

Since "conservative" means so many things, I present to you, the reader, my views on life:

My name is Ruben William Duran III, and I am my father's son. I am not a member of any political party; I don't blindly follow one side or another. I do what makes sense to me, and what I deem as "correct." If that makes me Conservative, then so be it. But don't call me Republican.

My father is the son of a Mexican Indian/American Indian father, and a Basque/Spanish mother. My mother is the daughter of a Norwegian mother and a German father. If that makes me a half-breed, a Latino, or just plain American, then so be it. But don't call me white.

I believe people take life entirely too seriously.

I believe that life would be a lot more enjoyable if everyone had his or her own high-pressure water pistol.

I believe reading a book is more intense and gratifying than any TV show.

I believe one can respect and admire women, and still enjoy a beer and wings at Hooters.

I believe a guy can talk about touchy-feely emotions and still be considered manly.

I think explosions are cool.

I believe that political correctness is a decent idea, but no one should be told what they may or may not say.

I can think of a lot of things worse than death.

I believe Natalie Portman is the most beautiful woman in America.

I believe about 90% of environmentalism is a joke, and that while we may not be able to survive without the world, I'm fairly confident the world can survive without us.

I think it's bizarre that when a Muslim blows up a building, it's called "righteous" but when a conservative white person does, it's called "right-wing militancy."

I understand that, while not all Muslims are terrorists, almost all terrorists are Muslim. I would much rather be "insensitive" than "deceased."

I want to know when it became a cardinal sin to call Islamic extremists "Islamists", and yet OK to refer to Christianity as "Hard, right-wing Christian fanaticism." (Thanks Lou Dobbs)

I support Israel, though I'm not Jewish, for three reasons:

1. It is the only nation in the whole Middle East where Arabs have rights.

2. When the Israelis call for peace, the shooting stops; when the PLO calls for peace, people continue to die. And finally...

3. The Israelis live with September 11th every single day. I still want to know whose idea it was to place a large quantity of heathens smack dab in the middle of a bunch of REALLY pissed off Muslims (Wahhabis at that!).

I believe the American Civil Liberties Union is basically three lies in one. They ignore the 2nd amendment, cry foul when conservatives violate the liberties of people who are making to destroy my country, and then fail to condemn strong-arm government tactics used against law-abiding gun owners.

I believe reasonable people should be allowed to own guns. This excludes all convicted felons, certified crazies, those with a restraining order against them, and most residents of Southern California.

I want to know why Rosie O'Donnell, champion of children, hasn't denounced Janet Reno, who is responsible for slaughtering dozens of children at Waco and another at Ruby Ridge.

I don't believe it takes a village to raise a child, I think it takes loving parents, and I don't care if it's a mommy and a daddy; a mommy; a daddy; two daddies; or a daddy and a mommy who used to be a daddy. But I also don't think anyone should be afforded any more rights than anyone else.

I don't care where Ellen puts her tongue, and I don't think it should be the subject of a 60 Minutes special.

I believe that there would be a lot less war if we instituted a worldwide naptime.

I believe Pat Buchanan and Jerry Falwell are just as out of touch as Tom Daschle and Hillary Clinton. Extremism is bad, in either direction.

I would never, ever agree to a child of mine being aborted, nor do I support it as a form of birth control. But the government taking away rights scares me, so I would never vote for it to be abolished. If that makes me pro-choice, so be it.

I believe abstinence works when you want it to: when you instill in your children the understanding that the act of procreation is something special, so special that it should be reserved for the most special of persons

I want to know what happened to good, old-fashioned iguyi music like George Thorogood, the Stones and ZZ Top. This ipopi drivel sickens me.

I think Jesse Jackson is a crook and a shakedown artist, who makes millions off real plight and suffering.

I also want to know what church he preaches in.

I have never, ever smoked marijuana, but I don't think it's any more harmful than alcohol. If that makes me a libertarian, so be it.

I believe that diplomacy should be attempted, and all diplomatic possibilities should be explored and utilized. But I also know that Al Capone in "The Untouchables" was right: "You get further with a kind word and a gun than with a kind word alone."

I believe that Americans are taxed to death, and I don't work an 8-hour job every day, just so the government can hand out my money to crack addicts and freeloaders who will use it to get their fix or squirt out another poverty-raised kid.

I oppose the death penalty, but only because I think a lifetime of anal rape is a more fitting punishment than any firing squad, gas chamber or lethal injection.

I believe that corruption doesn't have a color; whites abuse the system just as much as minorities, and vice versa.

I also don't care where Bill Clinton put Little Willie; I'm more concerned about his financial dealings with the Chinese, and how they ended up with our nuclear secrets.

I believe Al Gore would say absolutely anything to become President, and that scares me.

I know that my gun has killed fewer people than Ted Kennedy's car, and the same is true for most gun-owning Americans.

I believe the Democratic Party is an insult, as its members want to "take care" of me, instead of letting me stand on my own two feet.

I think Hollywood actors should stick to acting, and should not pretend to know anything about politics.

I believe I'm the only one who notices that Julia Roberts' mouth is about 3 times as wide as her face.

I believe that Ann Coulter is REALLY hot, but she's also a little nutty.

I believe minorities can be just as racist as any Klu Klux Klan member.

I believe that Yasser Arafat is a terrorist, and should be imprisoned for life in the general population of Riker's Island, or any other US prison.

I believe that money is NOT the end-all-and-be-all of life; happiness, however, is.

I believe there isn't a more exciting event than watching a Michigan Football game.

While I don't believe racism is dead, I also don't believe it's "alive and well," lurking in the shadows like some ravished beast, waiting to consume the unwary.

I believe most liberals are absurd, because most of their arguments are either a.) of the islippery slopei variety or b.) start with the phrase iWe know you better than you know yourselfOei

I don't believe in using a hyphen in naming my ethnic origin, I was born in this country, and I would lay down my life in the defense of its ideals; I am an American.

I think my column name is hilarious, and hearing that people want me to change it only reinforces my desire to keep it.

I believe people are "offended" entirely too easily. And besides that, Who Cares? I'm offended every time some tree-hugging granola tells me that evil corporations and Republicans are responsible for all the strife in the world. Put up or shut up.

I'm tired of kowtowing to political correctness and sensitivities. This is America: I should be free to wave the flag, sing the national anthem, and say the Pledge of Allegiance without being accosted, or having to answer to anyone. If you can spew America-hating, vengeful filth and not suffer recourse, I can sure as hell wave the Stars and Stripes.

I understand that America's history isn't perfect. I also understand that America is the greatest country in the world, and anyone who disagrees or who hates America is more than welcome to move to Canada. I don't see anyone fleeing on a half-inflated inner tube to Cuba.

If all of this makes me conservative, so be it.

I don't care if you call me misogynistic, racist, homophobic, intolerant, or right-wing. But don't call me white, and don't you dare call me Republican.

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Ruben is Editor-in-Chief of "The Michigan Review," (the campus affairs journal of the University of Michigan) and a senior studying Political Science. He will be graduating in Spring 2004. Outside of the Review, Ruben is a vocal critic of the University's use of race-conscious admissions. He has provided commentary to various media outlets on terrorism, military and national security policy, labor relations, and tax policy.