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PRESIDENT'S MEGA-PROFOUND FOREIGN POLICY EPIPHANY: "IN THIS AGE OF LIBERTY, EVEN EARTH'S MOST INFERIOR DESERVE THE FREEDOM® TO CHOOSE US OVER OBLIVION
Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Thank you, thank you. It's my pleasure to appear here at the National Endowment for Democracy, now celebrating its 20th year since being founded by our beloved former President Reagan.


(Applause.)


You know, whenever some slanderous liberal goes off half-cocked saying how the Gipper was already pretty much a drooling vegetard by 1983, I need only point to his razor-sharp brilliance in devising and naming this outfit. Truth be told, it was with the National Endowment for Democracy in mind when I came up with the titles "Clear Skies," "No Child Left Behind," and "Operation I'm Not Intentionally Flushing the Surplus Down the Shitter."


(Applause.)


So whatever you do, don't listen to all that nasty criticism from our supposed friends at the right-wing Cato Institute. The NED is OK by me. Just do me a favor and keep what you do so shadowy and complicated that it takes more than four sentences to explain that you're actually anti-Democracy, by which time Joe Sixpack has either fallen asleep or changed the channel, all snuggled up in the flea-bitten blanket of democratic lip service.


(Applause.)


You know, there comes a time in every President's first term when he starts to worrying about the possibility that his days are numbered. And at that time, he delivers a speech that sounds extra smart - something with substance and a "big idea" that years later, people will be able to point to and say, "See, that guy wasn't just a drooling vegetard." My friends, this is that speech.


(Applause.)


But before I get into the specifics of my telling you what you think, let me confirm - in case there are any leather S&M harness-wearing liberal fruits out there disguised as millionaire GOP henchmen - that this idea, this vision of mine for a neutered world addicted to the sweet milk of benign American imperialism, I came up with all on my lonesome.


I did not, for instance, blandly nod my head in agreement when this wholly brilliant and necessary forward strategy for smacking down people who think they have an Allah-given right to make their own choices was explained to me by the Vice President, my Chief of Staff Andrew Card, my court magician Karl Rove, sexpotress Condi Rice, and a veritable sea of Brooks Brothers-wearing, Viagra smoothie-chugging think-tank bookworms.


No sir! This idea hit me while I was watching Hannity & Pussyboy on the Fox box. Sean had been saying something brilliant about how I'm always right about everything all the time, and then they cut to this commercial - for something called a Swiffer PowerMop. Apparently it's this thingamajig that broads and coloreds use to scrub floors. So not wanting any of that, I jumped over to the old TNN to see if my chubba-bubbas on BuckMasters were dry humping a deer carcass. Well I'm not on TNN two minutes and what did I see? Another ad for the Swiffer PowerMop!


Bingo-rama! That's when it hit me - I have the FREEDOM® to switch channels. I have the FREEDOM® to choose. I mean, of course I do. But normal, condo-renting lemmings do, too. And you know what? I came up with that completely original thought without ever cracking a history book. Damn, am I glad I partied my Presidential trunk off back in school instead of being some sorry-assed library mole.


(Applause.)


So you see, all the people of the world should also have the FREEDOM® to choose - unless of course they're a teenaged girl choosing to abort the baby that her own daddy put inside her. Indeed, it's as simple as choice - so long as both forks in the road lead to the same place. Therefore, it is my "big idea" that America must usher in a new Age of Liberty, guaranteeing all people, not just the ones who count and who will survive, the FREEDOM® to choose the size, weight, and tightness of their very own chains.


(Applause.)


That's why I'm here today to announce not just to you nice NED toadies, but to all the world, that I will stop at nothing - even using every missile at my disposal - to make sure that people in every country can enjoy the same FREEDOM® that Americans do. Of course, that doesn't mean I want everyone getting all uppity and asking snobby questions or thinking they can hide behind some crinkly old Constitution. If the Patriot Act is good enough for Americans, it's good enough for inferior swarthy people, too.


(Applause.)


Yes, Americans love their FREEDOM®. They love having the choice to consume or starve, to work or die, and to vote for the largest group of self-interested suits or move to Canada (referred to hereafter as "fate worse than death"). Well, I think the people of the Middle East deserve a choice, too. Specifically, the choice between surrendering their culture, religion, and oil to us - or oblivion.


(Applause.)


I swear, one day, those funny little sand monkeys will have the pleasure of electing a dictator, instead of having one shoved down their throats. Again, just like Americans!


(Applause.)


And so, my ideological apostles, go forth and spread this good, new word with a straight face: we offer the world FREEDOM® - the FREEDOM® to self-pacify, the FREEDOM® to assimilate, and the FREEDOM® to offer up their slave labor-stooped backs as cozy foot stools for the $1000.00 snakeskin cowboy boots of the civilized!


(Applause.)


Thank you, and God Bless America!


(Applause.)