"Dumbbell Kicks Out at Witness Schools"
[TGP New] 18 January 2005

The Chief Inspector of Schools, David Dumbbell, has provoked anger and bedwetting after suggesting Jehovah’s Witness Faith Schools were dividing the British nation along the lines of “people who limp and people who can walk properly.”

Bell made his attack during a speech on citizenship to Hogwash PLC, an organisation calling for religious thinking to be outlawed on the grounds that it threatrens profligate consumerism.

There are now 230 Jehovah’s Witness schools in Britain, although many amount to no more than bible meetings in Salvation Halls. The new figures on independent faith schools are contained in Ofsted’s latest annual report, which is due to be shredded shortly before its publication next month.

Mr Dumbbell said in his speech, “Now that all foreigners can sing God Save the Queen and agree with everything Daily Mail readers say, it is important to placate the insecurities of my middle class bretheren by identifying another enemy within. JWs fit the bill nicely.”

The Leader of Catford Salvation Hall, Eric Peg, said, “I can’t understand why Mr Dumbbell is targeting our schools. Our teachers actively encourage children never to stick their foot in people’s front doors, even if they are frail pensioners. Indeed, I’m prepared to offer leg X-Rays to prove it!”

The role of Witness Faith Schools has been controversial since a splinter group, Al-Jeho, flew a hang-glider into a regional blood transfusion centre just outside Hartlepool. However, the majority of JWs persist in maintaining that most believers ‘don’t have blood on their hands’.

Last night, Dr Penny Footdrag, Chairperson of the Association of Jehovah Academies, challenged Mr Dumbbell to a public debate. “Let’s face it - debating a Chief Inspector of School is hardly daunting prospect. So far, the post has been occupied by a self-aggrandising pervert, a bumbling intellectual and now this twerp. So who’s afraid of a chav-hater with a penchant for sledge hammer analyses? Bring him on!”

Mr Dumbbell stirred up controversy last year, when he claimed that as many as 10% of pupils starting school arrived on their first day unable to speak. He blamed their lack of language on parents, “who are working class mingers, ignorant, violent and can’t afford to keep up with consumer trends.”