Millions of conspiracy theorists were silenced yesterday as the many gaping holes in the logic of the official story of 9-11 were all but sealed with one stroke when 9-11 Commission Chair Thomas Kean revealed that September 11, 2001 was actually ‘Opposite Day’.

How could three buildings of the World Trade Center, including the 48 story WT7 which wasn’t even struck by a plane, with their formidable internal lattice of forty-plus steel support beams, be felled by a kerosene based jet fuel fire when kerosene burns at 850 °F and steel doesn’t even begin to warp, let alone melt, at temperatures below 2000° F? Many skeptics around the world point to the oddly familiar free fall collapse of the buildings, the complete pulverization of its concrete, and the evidence - including first hand accounts by fireman and other people at the scene - of explosive devices being detonated throughout the buildings and conclude that all three were brought down by controlled demolitions, but Kean disagrees.

“In conformity with the backward laws of Opposite Day, the flames that burned within the buildings of the World Trade Center could have easily reached 2000° F while the melting point of the steel that comprised the infrastructure would have been reduced to 850° F. This easily explains how these buildings were the first of its steel reinforced kind to fall from fire despite the fact that several others, including Philadelphia’s Meridian Plaza building in 1991, have burned far longer at much higher temperatures in the past.”

Kean also added: “And regarding the firemen who radioed reports of secondary explosions throughout the buildings and basements, these transmissions should be translated to mean that no explosions were seen, felt or caused anyone to catch on fire within the towers prior to their collapse. These men were obviously merely obeying the rules of Opposite Day as they apply to verbal discourse, and I should clarify here, not high on drugs as the government previously speculated. Our sincerest apologies to their families for any distress this error might have caused.”

Likewise, the logical and scientific inconsistencies surrounding the 9-11 attack on the Pentagon are also dispelled by the principles of Opposite Day. For example, Kean asserts that this most heavily defended building in the country, with its unparalleled radar system and missile batteries, was able to be broad sided by a clunky Boeing 767 passenger plane traveling a few hundred miles an hour for the precise reason that it doesn’t make normal sense. In addition, the fact that the impact of the 165 foot wide plane left an original hole that was only 16 feet in diameter despite the fact that its resulting detonation was so violent that the entire airliner, including all the aluminum, steel and titanium (melting point 1600° F) that comprised it was spontaneously incinerated becomes satisfactory within the purview of the Opposite Day Theory.

“Not that I need to elaborate to such an extent at this point,” spoke Kean, “But it also bears mentioning that this new revelation effectively solves the anomaly of why it took NORAD so darn long to deploy fighter jets to attempt to intercept the airliners – in the case of the plane that eventually crashed into the Pentagon they took over forty minutes to do so even after the plane diverted radically from its designated flight path and ceased mandatory check-ins subsequent to two other planes being hijacked and used as giant death missiles on the World Trade Center in New York for crying out loud.”

Kean proffered such examples of seemingly irreconcilable deviations from normalcy along with some anecdotal evidence to substantiate the validity of the new theory.

“Is everyone at NORAD just lazy? I assure you they are not. When famous golfer Payne Stewart drifted off course after falling unconscious at the helm of a private plane in 1999 they had fighters scrambled within seven minutes. Are the airport screeners who let each and every one of the twenty-one Arab terrorists with non-Arab names on board airliners in possession of knives, box cutters, guns, gas and gas masks all stupid morons? I don’t care if its before or after 9-11 – you get twenty friends together and try to all successfully board four different planes carrying that kind of gear and see how it works out. How about the terrorists themselves? Why would they go out of their way to hit the east side of the Pentagon when it was being renovated and held few people and no high-ranking officials? What are they, a bunch of idiots? No way, it might feel good to say so, but remember, they hatched and executed this elaborate, diabolical plot that caught us all off guard.”

“I might also mention,” Kean appended, “That it has come to our attention that dozens of steel lanterns belonging to campers were inexplicably melted by their kerosene flames the morning of 9-11. What does all of this tell us? What can the only reasonable explanation be? Opposite Day.”

Kean then concluded his remarks by emphatically addressing the primary implication of the conjecture of most conspiracy theorists that certain members of the US government orchestrated the attacks to serve as a pretext for the commencement of global military campaigns, the curtailment of domestic civil liberties, etc.

“That’s all tin-hat stuff. It might not always seem like it, but our government truly has our best interests at heart, loves us and is only trying to do what’s best.”