Hollywood Cowlifornia is where American Film Idols are made. Richard Gere is the star of American Gigolo and “Pretty Woman, walking down the street, Pretty Woman, stop a while, Pretty Woman, talk a while, Pretty woman, give your smile to me, Pretty Woman, give your cheek to me.”

If you take the words Bombay and Hollywood and put them together you have the film capital of India Bollywood. Shilpa Shetty has been nominated for 4 Filmfare (Indian Oscar) Awards. The stunningly beautiful 31 year old Shilpa Shetty and her knockout actress younger sister Shamita Shetty are the Indian version of the Hilton sisters.

Richard Gere is a peace activist like Mahatma Gandhi. Richard Gere traveled to India last week to throw his fame behind AIDS Awareness and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, PETA. Talk about preaching to the converted. In India, which has over a billion people, the Hindu people idolize the cows as sacred beings. It is illegal to kill or injure a cow. The cow is the Divine Symbol of Mother Earth giving freely milk, cheese, butter, dung for fertilizer and dung smoke a powerful anti pollutant and never asking for anything in return. How do you fit one billion people into a mental institution?

Bollywood makes more films and sells more tickets worldwide than Hollywood. Each Bollywood film is a colorful musical three hours long with an intermission for popcorn. Butter good, beef bad. The United States just sold 8 nuclear reactors to India for the purpose of making more nuclear bombs. The primary dispute between Hindu India and neighboring Muslim Pakistan is that Muslims eat beef, even though only kosher beef. A Hasidic Rabbi like the Christian and Muslim Messiah Jesus Christ must ensure that the cow is slaughtered according to the Brooklyn rules and regulations of the Kashruth Council of the United States of America.

In Afghanistan the people, including the Taliban soldiers wait in line for hours to buy tickets to the Bollywood movies. Suicide bombing the market place is allowed but bombing the cinemas is strictly verboten. “Zeig Heil!”, said Charlie Chaplin.

Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty are standing on a stage in India last week before a cheering and adoring crowd. Richard Gere is screaming “Sex, No!”, “Condoms, Yes!” Lets see him try that in Vatican City. Shilpa Shetty does not wear a burka. Shilpa Shetty appeared in a revealing bathing suit on the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine.

After his speech, Richard Gere walks over to Shilpa Shetty and kisses her twice on the cheek. Then he takes her in his arms like Heather Mills in a Tango, bends her back and kisses her on the cheek again. Richard then steps back to the cheering crowd, gets down on one knee like a Shakesperean actor and bows his head and flourishes his arm to his Queen, the smiling Shilpa Shetty. A week later some anal retentive nerd in Jaipur India files a complaint, alleging that Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty committed public obscenity. Kissing is fine on the Bollywood silver screen but Judge Dinesh Gupta declared that “The Kiss” was highly sexually erotic, transgressed all limits of vulgarity, and issued a warrant for the arrest of Richard Gere and Shilpa Shetty. Everyone’s a critic. The chances of Richard Gere returning to Bombay again to face 6 years in some rat hole prison are the same as Larry Birkhead taking Dannielynn back to Nassau for the June 6th custody hearing once he has her safe and sound and under the family court jurisdiction of California and the United States of America Supreme Court. God Bless America.