MAN OF THE YEAR

(The Untold True Story of the Explicit Affair of George W. Bush and Paris Hilton)
a 10 Minute Tragicomedy


CHARACTERS

JAMILA, an Iraqi teenager

STAGE MANAGER, a wanker

GEORGE W. BUSH, the former President of the

PARIS HILTON, a whore socialite

LAURA BUSH, former First Lady

MARY CHENEY, Dick Cheney’s Lesbian daughter

TIME

Summer 2009, at an evening banquet dinner thrown in honour of former President George W. Bush

PLACE

New York City, New York.


The light comes up.


A young Iraqi teenager, dressed in a bloody jelbab and ripped hijab, walks onstage. She is carrying a gold trophy in her hands.


She coughs and hacks. She clears her throat.


JAMILA
Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Jamila Al-Assad, sixteen years old. I come from the desert of Iraq, my family was killed and blown apart by American friendly fire, (some people in the audience chuckle) and now I am living in a refugee camp somewhere on the border of and --(the audience laughs and hoots). The Strom Thurmond Memorial Foundation has been gracious enough to fly me here to New York City from the border of Syria/Iraq. It feels nice to be here…


(Stage Manager yells from backstage)


STAGE MANAGER
Shut up, little girl, and stick with your damn speech!


JAMILA
Ladies and Gentlemen, um… I am here to present an award for Man of the Year. Please give a round of applause for George W. Bush, former President of the .

(Audience rises and cheers)


(George W. Bush enters, he gives a mischevious smile with a twinkle in his eyes)


(he accepts the award from the Iraqi girl)


GEORGE W. BUSH
Thank you, little girl. (Beat) Wasn’t that a funny story about how her family got bombed in a friendly fire, huh? (laughs) Way to go, you guys, for making light of the situation! Great way to lighten up the mood. You really sound and look like an Iraqi girl.


JAMILA
I am Iraqi…


GEORGE W. BUSH
(ignores her)
I am African! I am the world! I am !


(the audience cheers)


GEORGE W. BUSH
Well, geez, what is there to say? I miss being the president of this great country. Umm… since stepping down from office this year, I’ve been, you know, playing golf and hanging out with my new buddy, Paris Hilton. (laughs) Uhh, well, I think I’m going to go sit down at the table. My back kind of hurts right now, you see? I stood everyday when I was the President of this country. I didn’t get to sit down very much. So now I’ll go sit down. Men and girls, enjoy the food. Have some wine! (pause, thinking of something else to say) Um, is great!


(he triumphantly shakes the trophy in his hands, the audience cheers)

(Jamila and George W. Bush walk offstage. He leads her to his table. It is a round table with a fancy tablecloth adorned over it. There is a vase of nice fancy flowers, and some champagne bottles, with fine plates on the table. Very much like the tables you see at the Golden Globes award ceremonies)


GEORGE W. BUSH
That was a funny show you put on. Sit down! Have some wine!

(they sit down)


JAMILA
Sir… I don’t drink, it’s against my religion.


GEORGE W. BUSH
What religion are you? You not Jewish, are you?


JAMILA
I’m Muslim. I’m from .


GEORGE W. BUSH
God, stop! (chuckling) You make me laugh again, or…or I shoot you! (everybody at the table laugh) Well, geez, meet everybody here! Here’s my wifey, Laura. (Laura wives) and uh, we’re waiting for Paris…


(Laura smiles)


LAURA BUSH
How do you do, my dear?


JAMILA
(nods)
Ma’am.


LAURA BUSH
Thank you for making such a funny delightful speech about my husband. What do you for a living?


JAMILA
I don’t have a job.


GEORGE W. BUSH
(giggles)
Yeah, yeah! Now where’s Paris Hilton???


(Laura frowns. She glares hard at George. She then gives a fake smile to Jamila and excuses herself from the table)

(Laura Bush obviously looks upset so she tries to act normal while pursuing conversation with other party-goers)

(Everyone at the table is engaged in their own conversations)

(Lots of loud noises, laughter, drinking, in the room)

(Paris Hilton, unknown to George W. Bush, is already seated at the table, wearing a wig and sunglasses)


GEORGE W. BUSH
Well, I’m waiting for Paris. (chuckles) She always be late to everything!


PARIS
I’m already here, you doofus.


GEORGE W. BUSH
Oh! Oh! There you are, Paris Hilton!


PARIS
(puts her finger to her lips)
God, shut up George! If they hear you, they’ll all come here and take photos of us together!


GEORGE W. BUSH
(nods his head furiously)
Ok, Ok, I won’t do that again. (giggles) Here’s this actress girl. She’s very good. (points to Jamila)


JAMILA
(uncomfortable)
Sir, do you know where I can find a good bed to sleep in? I’m very tired from the long flight.


GEORGE W. BUSH
You’re so funny!


PARIS
What a loser.


GEORGE W. BUSH
I know, right?


PARIS
I’m so bored. So, George, do you have anything in the store for me?


GEORGE W. BUSH
What store?


PARIS
Not a store. It’s a slang, duhh, you dumb doofus. Hello! Plans? For us to take over the world again?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Ohhh yeahhh geeeez right. Right, right! Well, let’s see, milady. Remember how successful that sex video of yours was when it came out?


PARIS
Yeah it made me famous. Like, overnight.


GEORGE W. BUSH
Yeah! It was perfect. It made the whole world look at you! No more probing into George W. Bush’s head! (pause) Oh yes, well, let’s talk about 2009. We have a new president. I no longer run this country.


(Beat)

PARIS
I know that. Duh. God, I’m not a retard. Stop treating me like I’m stupid.


GEORGE W. BUSH
You are not stupid, you are sensastic!


PARIS
What?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Sens…sensastic…oh I mean fantastic… sensational?


PARIS
Right.


GEORGE W. BUSH
Yes! So we think of new plans. After you came out of jail in 2007, people talked about you all the time, all the time. Your new book was very popular. You made more money. Nobody really paid listen to the news about my war, my office!


PARIS
That’s the whole point, Georgie buddy. So you’re not the president anymore. Why should I still work for you?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Because, milady, I plan to seize office again! And I want you to be on the front page of news again. Make people’s eyes go away and look at you while I take over the office again.


PARIS
You mean, duh, like to be President of this country again? I thought you can only be president for six years. (pause) No, 8 years. I think.

(Jamila, watching all this, becomes agitated)


JAMILA
Excuse me… please… do you know where I can find a warm bed to sleep in?


PARIS
Will you please shut up! God! Take your filthy smelly monkey paws off me you stupid desert monkey! (she slaps Jamila’s hands, Jamila whimpers)


GEORGE W. BUSH
Go away. We don’t want you here.


JAMILA
Where do I go?


PARIS
Go kill yourself. Nobody likes you. Freak.


GEORGE W. BUSH
(chuckles) You funny, Paris!


PARIS
I told you, don’t call me Paris while we’re here. What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so stupid?


(Beat)

GEORGE W. BUSH
Why are you a wh--e?


PARIS
Excuse me?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Yeah. I’m trying to be more, uhh, clever. I need clever comeback lines to save my butt. (chuckles) I like that one. “Why are you a wh--e?”


JAMILA
Please, where do I go?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Go kill yourself! Throw yourself off the balcony! Go away! We don’t want you here!


PARIS
Get out of , you nasty d--kbag.


GEORGE W. BUSH
(giggles) D--kbag. I love that one.


(Jamila, looking confused and frightened, backs away from the table exits offstage)


PARIS
So, what are you going to do? Pay me another cool million dollars for me to make a sex video or do something wild and crazy while you do something sneaky?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Exactly!


PARIS HILTON
What are you gonna do?


GEORGE W. BUSH
(whispers)
We are gonna work closely with the CIA. I got a few buddies in CIA. They will put the President and the staff on a plane. Bam! Plane crash! It’s a terrorist attack! By the Arabs. Then that’s when I come in. The whole country in mourning, I take over and I seize the rule!


PARIS
Oh

MAN OF THE YEAR

(The Untold True Story of the Explicit Affair of George W. Bush and Paris Hilton)
a 10 Minute Tragicomedy


CHARACTERS

JAMILA, an Iraqi teenager

STAGE MANAGER, a wanker

GEORGE W. BUSH, the former President of the

PARIS HILTON, a whore socialite

LAURA BUSH, former First Lady

MARY CHENEY, Dick Cheney’s Lesbian daughter

TIME

Summer 2009, at an evening banquet dinner thrown in honour of former President George W. Bush

PLACE

New York City, New York.


The light comes up.


A young Iraqi teenager, dressed in a bloody jelbab and ripped hijab, walks onstage. She is carrying a gold trophy in her hands.


She coughs and hacks. She clears her throat.


JAMILA
Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Jamila Al-Assad, sixteen years old. I come from the desert of Iraq, my family was killed and blown apart by American friendly fire, (some people in the audience chuckle) and now I am living in a refugee camp somewhere on the border of and --(the audience laughs and hoots). The Strom Thurmond Memorial Foundation has been gracious enough to fly me here to New York City from the border of Syria/Iraq. It feels nice to be here…


(Stage Manager yells from backstage)


STAGE MANAGER
Shut up, little girl, and stick with your damn speech!


JAMILA
Ladies and Gentlemen, um… I am here to present an award for Man of the Year. Please give a round of applause for George W. Bush, former President of the .

(Audience rises and cheers)


(George W. Bush enters, he gives a mischevious smile with a twinkle in his eyes)


(he accepts the award from the Iraqi girl)


GEORGE W. BUSH
Thank you, little girl. (Beat) Wasn’t that a funny story about how her family got bombed in a friendly fire, huh? (laughs) Way to go, you guys, for making light of the situation! Great way to lighten up the mood. You really sound and look like an Iraqi girl.


JAMILA
I am Iraqi…


GEORGE W. BUSH
(ignores her)
I am African! I am the world! I am !


(the audience cheers)


GEORGE W. BUSH
Well, geez, what is there to say? I miss being the president of this great country. Umm… since stepping down from office this year, I’ve been, you know, playing golf and hanging out with my new buddy, Paris Hilton. (laughs) Uhh, well, I think I’m going to go sit down at the table. My back kind of hurts right now, you see? I stood everyday when I was the President of this country. I didn’t get to sit down very much. So now I’ll go sit down. Men and girls, enjoy the food. Have some wine! (pause, thinking of something else to say) Um, is great!


(he triumphantly shakes the trophy in his hands, the audience cheers)

(Jamila and George W. Bush walk offstage. He leads her to his table. It is a round table with a fancy tablecloth adorned over it. There is a vase of nice fancy flowers, and some champagne bottles, with fine plates on the table. Very much like the tables you see at the Golden Globes award ceremonies)


GEORGE W. BUSH
That was a funny show you put on. Sit down! Have some wine!

(they sit down)


JAMILA
Sir… I don’t drink, it’s against my religion.


GEORGE W. BUSH
What religion are you? You not Jewish, are you?


JAMILA
I’m Muslim. I’m from .


GEORGE W. BUSH
God, stop! (chuckling) You make me laugh again, or…or I shoot you! (everybody at the table laugh) Well, geez, meet everybody here! Here’s my wifey, Laura. (Laura wives) and uh, we’re waiting for Paris…


(Laura smiles)


LAURA BUSH
How do you do, my dear?


JAMILA
(nods)
Ma’am.


LAURA BUSH
Thank you for making such a funny delightful speech about my husband. What do you for a living?


JAMILA
I don’t have a job.


GEORGE W. BUSH
(giggles)
Yeah, yeah! Now where’s Paris Hilton???


(Laura frowns. She glares hard at George. She then gives a fake smile to Jamila and excuses herself from the table)

(Laura Bush obviously looks upset so she tries to act normal while pursuing conversation with other party-goers)

(Everyone at the table is engaged in their own conversations)

(Lots of loud noises, laughter, drinking, in the room)

(Paris Hilton, unknown to George W. Bush, is already seated at the table, wearing a wig and sunglasses)


GEORGE W. BUSH
Well, I’m waiting for Paris. (chuckles) She always be late to everything!


PARIS
I’m already here, you doofus.


GEORGE W. BUSH
Oh! Oh! There you are, Paris Hilton!


PARIS
(puts her finger to her lips)
God, shut up George! If they hear you, they’ll all come here and take photos of us together!


GEORGE W. BUSH
(nods his head furiously)
Ok, Ok, I won’t do that again. (giggles) Here’s this actress girl. She’s very good. (points to Jamila)


JAMILA
(uncomfortable)
Sir, do you know where I can find a good bed to sleep in? I’m very tired from the long flight.


GEORGE W. BUSH
You’re so funny!


PARIS
What a loser.


GEORGE W. BUSH
I know, right?


PARIS
I’m so bored. So, George, do you have anything in the store for me?


GEORGE W. BUSH
What store?


PARIS
Not a store. It’s a slang, duhh, you dumb doofus. Hello! Plans? For us to take over the world again?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Ohhh yeahhh geeeez right. Right, right! Well, let’s see, milady. Remember how successful that sex video of yours was when it came out?


PARIS
Yeah it made me famous. Like, overnight.


GEORGE W. BUSH
Yeah! It was perfect. It made the whole world look at you! No more probing into George W. Bush’s head! (pause) Oh yes, well, let’s talk about 2009. We have a new president. I no longer run this country.


(Beat)

PARIS
I know that. Duh. God, I’m not a retard. Stop treating me like I’m stupid.


GEORGE W. BUSH
You are not stupid, you are sensastic!


PARIS
What?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Sens…sensastic…oh I mean fantastic… sensational?


PARIS
Right.


GEORGE W. BUSH
Yes! So we think of new plans. After you came out of jail in 2007, people talked about you all the time, all the time. Your new book was very popular. You made more money. Nobody really paid listen to the news about my war, my office!


PARIS
That’s the whole point, Georgie buddy. So you’re not the president anymore. Why should I still work for you?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Because, milady, I plan to seize office again! And I want you to be on the front page of news again. Make people’s eyes go away and look at you while I take over the office again.


PARIS
You mean, duh, like to be President of this country again? I thought you can only be president for six years. (pause) No, 8 years. I think.

(Jamila, watching all this, becomes agitated)


JAMILA
Excuse me… please… do you know where I can find a warm bed to sleep in?


PARIS
Will you please shut up! God! Take your filthy smelly monkey paws off me you stupid desert monkey! (she slaps Jamila’s hands, Jamila whimpers)


GEORGE W. BUSH
Go away. We don’t want you here.


JAMILA
Where do I go?


PARIS
Go kill yourself. Nobody likes you. Freak.


GEORGE W. BUSH
(chuckles) You funny, Paris!


PARIS
I told you, don’t call me Paris while we’re here. What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you so stupid?


(Beat)

GEORGE W. BUSH
Why are you a wh--e?


PARIS
Excuse me?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Yeah. I’m trying to be more, uhh, clever. I need clever comeback lines to save my butt. (chuckles) I like that one. “Why are you a wh--e?”


JAMILA
Please, where do I go?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Go kill yourself! Throw yourself off the balcony! Go away! We don’t want you here!


PARIS
Get out of , you nasty d--kbag.


GEORGE W. BUSH
(giggles) D--kbag. I love that one.


(Jamila, looking confused and frightened, backs away from the table exits offstage)


PARIS
So, what are you going to do? Pay me another cool million dollars for me to make a sex video or do something wild and crazy while you do something sneaky?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Exactly!


PARIS HILTON
What are you gonna do?


GEORGE W. BUSH
(whispers)
We are gonna work closely with the CIA. I got a few buddies in CIA. They will put the President and the staff on a plane. Bam! Plane crash! It’s a terrorist attack! By the Arabs. Then that’s when I come in. The whole country in mourning, I take over and I seize the rule!


PARIS
Oh my god, that’s like, so genius.


(she starts rubbing his arm)


GEORGE W. BUSH
To keep people’s minds off how I take the country over, my buddies over at FOX Channel will gladly give you a new TV show. It has to be very trashy and dirty. Get people talkin about your show. Then nobody pay mind to my head!


PARIS
I get my own tv show again? You promise it’ll be on prime-time?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Yes! (he then takes her hand)


PARIS
How much?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Millions and millions.


PARIS
That’s so freakin’ hot.


GEORGE W. BUSH
I know. (giggles) So Paris, my love, we go somewhere in private?


PARIS
Only for an hour. Then I have to go to a bunch of clubs to promote their lame parties. I get paid. (she rubs his leg under the table) Let’s go, hot stuff. I’ll only suck if you promise to lick.


(they giggle and start rubbing against each other, holding hands)


(Laura Bush is watching them afar from another table. She looks miserable and unhappy. Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary, is seated next to her. She rubs Laura’s shoulder in a seductive way. Laura sighs and buries her face into her hands. Mary taps her shoulder, and Laura looks up. Mary holds a revolver pistol in her hand and gives it to Laura. Laura, grasping the gun, then looks at George and Paris. She nods.)

(Light fades out)

(Black Out)

THE END.
------------------my god, that’s like, so genius.


(she starts rubbing his arm)


GEORGE W. BUSH
To keep people’s minds off how I take the country over, my buddies over at FOX Channel will gladly give you a new TV show. It has to be very trashy and dirty. Get people talkin about your show. Then nobody pay mind to my head!


PARIS
I get my own tv show again? You promise it’ll be on prime-time?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Yes! (he then takes her hand)


PARIS
How much?


GEORGE W. BUSH
Millions and millions.


PARIS
That’s so freakin’ hot.


GEORGE W. BUSH
I know. (giggles) So Paris, my love, we go somewhere in private?


PARIS
Only for an hour. Then I have to go to a bunch of clubs to promote their lame parties. I get paid. (she rubs his leg under the table) Let’s go, hot stuff. I’ll only suck if you promise to lick.


(they giggle and start rubbing against each other, holding hands)


(Laura Bush is watching them afar from another table. She looks miserable and unhappy. Dick Cheney’s daughter, Mary, is seated next to her. She rubs Laura’s shoulder in a seductive way. Laura sighs and buries her face into her hands. Mary taps her shoulder, and Laura looks up. Mary holds a revolver pistol in her hand and gives it to Laura. Laura, grasping the gun, then looks at George and Paris. She nods.)

(Light fades out)

(Black Out)

THE END.
------------------