This is a transcript just decoded from IMC undercover reporter Non E Mouse who snuck, undetected, into a meeting between French President Nicholas Sarkozy, President Barack Obama and British Prime Minister David Cameron at the secret meet in Dallas last week. At great risk, IMC can now reveal the contents of that meeting in a world exclusive. Here, exclusively at IMC, is the transcript of that meeting.

The recording begins with some inaudible sounds as Non E Mouse faffs about trying to find the tape recorder in her plastic shopping bag while hiding, undetected, under a table, close to the three world leaders.

Sarkozy: Allo Dave.

Cameron: Allright Nick!

Obama: OK guys, I think we arl know why were hear, goddamit!

Sarkozy: Dave, I'm scared!

Obama: OK, Afghanistan turned out shit and the goddam gazz pipeline dint get biyult, that sonovabeetch Bush made an asshole of the merican peeple an now its awl turned ta sheet. Waddya we gunna do fellas?

Cameron: inaudible but sound of possible nervous farting.

Sarkozy: inaudible but possible grizzling or sobbing.

Obama: Goddamit awl ta helll. Uwe arseoles ar goddam useless, I said, waddya we gunno do fellas?

Cameron: Look, I think we should go back into Iraq and Afghanistan and announce an austerity program of public cuts...we could start with closing the libraries and if that works, we could just cut Al Qaida!

Sarkozy: inaudible but possible sniggering.

Obama: Did yo moma draap yo on yur goddam head wen yo was a baby! THAT'S THE [now shouting]
STOOPEDEST THIN I EVUR GODDAM HEARD!!!

Sarkozy: inaudible but possible grizzling or sobbing again.

Cameron: I don't know sir, I'M [raised voice, becoming emotional] SO SORRY SIR. Inaudible but possible sobbing.

Obama: Waht abowt yu, yu goddam frawg?

Sarkozy: inauble but possible loud and sudden farting noise

Obama: I'm a wait'n boy?

Sarkozy: Sir, wiz all due respect, I and de pippl of frarnce av a plain. Wee shud do somsink zat der pippl woold not expect, we shud compleetly srow zem off gard ant confooz de ol wurld. Ze elemont ov surpriis iz alwaiz best.

Obama: [shouting again] I CAINT UNERSTAAND A GODDAM WURD YO SAYIN, WERS THE GODDAM TRANSLAYTA?

There then follows several minutes of shuffling, a door opening and voices (possibly aides) shouting in the hallway, followed by a door slamming and more shuffling. Finally some creaking possibly people sitting down on chairs. After several seconds there follows what sounds like a cup or glass breaking or smashing on the floor followed by Cameron apologising and offering to get a tea-towel. At this point Obama becomes agitated and orders him to sit down. More creaking of chairs and shuffling.

Obama: Goddam it, fellas, ah dint get to be presdent jus ta spen ma time deelin witch-cho doe-mestic prablems, yo gotta pull yo wait an sheet an cut me sum slak. I gat to re-port bak to ma sooperias an if ah don't git results, my hed is gunna be snipa food, u unerstan wat am sayin to yoos?

Cameron: Not exactly sir, what was that last bit again?

Obama: GODDAM [shouting]!!!

Sarkozy: But wayt, eye av eet. Wee, ze perfec plan. Guys, leesten, wot eef we doo ze ole Iraq sing agan. Joost sink, nobodee will expect zat. Ze pippl will all sink dat we av chenged. Ze will sink zat we av lernd ze lessonz of ze past. If wee invaid anuzzer countree, de ole wurld will be, ow u say, ermm, wot iz eet, ow yu say eet?

Cameron: Amazed?

Sarkozy: Non.

Obama: Shocked?

Sarkozy: Non.

Cameron: What does it sound like?

Sarkozy: Erm, eet eez like erm, demoleeshed, sound ay leetil bit like eet bert not like eet.

Obama: Admonished?

Sarkozy: Like zat bert but differante.

Cameron: Car polish?

Sarkozy: Non, yu stupeed eenglish man, ow can ze ole wurld be car poleeshed. Ee is right, your muzzer droppd yu on your ed wen yu woz a babee.

Cameron: [slightly agitated] OK, there's no need to be rude is there!

Sarkozy: Yu eengleesh, yu ar so stoopeed wis your stoopeed idee to go to eerarq, eef it wozzant for yu we woold all be reech still an de pipple woold be stoopeed still. An now yu say der ole wurld will be car poleeshed, dat dusnt meen any sing yu stoopid fat ingleeshman!

Obama: [shouting] GODDAMIT, WOULD YU GUYS SHUT THE FUK UUUP!

There follows the sound of another door slamming and voices, possibly aides, murmuring to Obama, then sounds of rubber-souled shoes squeaking on the floor, very similar to the sound plimp-souls make in the gym when your were at school doing P.E. Several seconds pass and the sound of another door slamming.

Sarkozy: Eye av eet. Der werd eez astoneesh-ed.

Cameron: Aston Martin never made an E-Shed, don't you mean a D-Type?

Obama: He's sayin astonished, tha hole wurld wood be astoneesh-ed, goddamit, astonished.

Cameron: Ahhh, yes I see.

Several seconds of silence follow.

Cameron: Astonished at what?

Sarkozy: Astoneesh-ed if we invaid anuzzer countree. oo woold beleeve dat we woold do zat? It woold be ze last sing de ole wurld woold expect!

Cameron: I'm sorry Nick, I don't see your logic! How would repeating the disaster of Iraq get us out of zees mess, ahem, this mess?

Obama: [sound of chair legs scraping across the floor, possibly because Obama has stood up suddenly] Goddamit, the goddam frawg is right, dontcha see it, its bin starin us in tha face awl this time. OIL [shouting].

Cameron: I, I, I'm sorry, what are you saying?

Obama: Its purfect, Oil gottus ina this mess, oils gonna get us out of it.

Cameron: But sir, surely you can't be serious, you told us to form a coalition after Labour were destroyed in that incident with the people. My government is a coalition, we'll never survive another oil war!!!

Obama: Son, we gotcha back.

Cameron: You said that to Blair, then to Brown, look what happened to them! [voice high-pitched and nervous]

Obama: Son,

Several seconds of silence followed by possible kissing sounds.

Obama: We gotcha back.

Cameron: Yes sir!

Sarkozy: Eye luv eet wen a plan cums togezzer.

Obama: OK frawg, where's good?

Sarkozy: Well, wee av a all our oil from Libya and eet ees expenseeve. Eef wee can just maik a leetle revolucion in der countree, wee will bee abel to say ee, gerdaffee, is er bad man ergain and wee can yuse fais-boook and der tweeter to do eet. Owzat?

Obama: [shouting] GODDAM PURFECT.

Cameron: Good lord!!!


There then follows several minutes of doors slamming, aides arriving, quiet murmuring and plimp-soul sqeaking followed by more doors slamming and a mobile phone ringing followed by a cuckoo clock and a final slamming of a door.

At this point our recording ends and our undercover reporter, Non E Mouse, is retrieved from theatre by the IMC undercover helicopter.

Note to editors:

We have this recording as an MP3 file along with a typed transcript for you to use but only on condition it is published in its original form and it isn't simply re-written by one of your celebrity work experience temps or by Con Coughlin, or Polly Toinbee!