Crivvens! Jings! And Help Ma Boab! As the entire media is in a flap over a few photos of a minor royals’ micro-globes it seems no one is paying attention to the increasingly desperate leader of the English Defence League, Mr Tommy Robinson. Which is a pity because it’s been an outstanding week of yet more contradictions, gaffs and ineptitude by the silly little Mainwaring. Last week Mr Tommy released a hysterical video where he was angry about being skint and also about accusations that he is in the pay of beastly ‘Zionists.’ Shortly after that he was in New York doing a turgid speech for SION or Stop Islamisation Of Nations. So, he is either not skint or is actually in the pay of those beastly Zionists. Mr Tommy, you may not have noticed that SION sounds a wee bit like ZION and that this is probably no coincidence. So which is it? Skint or in the pay of SIONists? Far be it for us to indulge in Zionist Conspiracy bollocks but if Mr Tommy is skint perhaps he should get a job and go back to his family instead of gadding round the globe like a twat.

In the woefully inadequate Dispatches documentary last year we were privileged to see a hungover and rueful Mr Tommy waking up in the spare room after a night on the piss throwing rocks at plod and making ‘jokes’ about Norwegian psycho Anders Britvic (which he later denied in his usual cowardly manner and claimed that he was doing ‘a frog impression’ - which we all believed). Mrs Tommy had banned him from the boudoir because of his inadequate ‘bedroom acrobatics’ and the fact that he prefers to spend time with Kousin Kev Karol and the EDL ‘lads’ rather than getting a proper job, looking after his children and acting like a proper grown up man person. She has now booted him out of the house and he is currently living with his cousin in a caravan behind Sainsbury’s.

There is also a rumour, recently made up by me, that after his New York speech Mr Tommy was so overwrought by his own words that he was seen in the toilets crying. Kousin Kev Karol was luckily on hand and calmed him down with some duty-free Kola Kubes. Mr Tommy also bottled it over his claim to be screening that tedious Innocence of Muslims film. However, as it was such an obvious publicity stunt for his rapidly diminishing EDL outfit and the small fact that people have actually been killed over it – admittedly by eejit extremists who are as deluded and stupid as Mr Tommy – he gradually realised that this was as helpful as all the pro-Anders Britvic comments on the EDL Facebook pages and withdrew his statement quick as! This is technically a ‘surrender’ and typical of his usual bluster, blether and bollocks.

Mr Tommy is still determined to go back to Walthamstow to revenge the previous ‘victory’ march which even Nick Griffclops of the BNP thinks is a shit idea. It seems that Mr Tommy is deliberately driving the violent EDL into a wall and wants rid of it now that he is an international statesman who was given the made up Onanist Fellatio Award at the weekend. Mr Griffclops said that Mr Tommy was both ‘a big girls blouse’ and ‘tactically inept’ and Griffclops is desperately trying to ponce the great many disillusioned EDL members for his own rapidly diminishing BNP. For they have left in droves after Walthamstow not least the EDL’s gifted public speaker known as ‘Tony Curtis’ who was very miffed indeed over not being allowed to go to America with the big boys. Mr Tony has left the EDL to form the New Patriots Alliance and is calling for far-right unity - as indeed are the Infidell-Ends, Combined Ex-Popsicles, Casuals Untied and many other splinter factions who all jealously guard their minions, have made up titles and no intention of uniting with anything apart from a case of Stella and a jazz mag.

Meanwhile, the National Front held a massive demo of 20 Nazis in Skegness at the weekend complaining about Halal slaughter whilst pretending to be non-racist vegans. The ageing Richard Edmonds was also allowed out for the day but spent most of it on a bench in the park where plod had forced the NF out of earshot of decent people. This was yet another humiliation for the delusional fuck-bugles of the NF after polling a massive 26 votes in the Burnley by-election. It is good to see the saggy and rather sad NF going from strength to strength! This was only slightly worse than the BNP’s vote count which came it an impressive 95! According to Nazi pin-up Kate McDermody alias Mrs Kev Watmough ‘the BNP held their own really on paper.’ Don’t worry Kate, the ambulance is on its way! Mr Griffclops has also launched his rejuvenating 12 Step Plan for the BNP which we print in full:
“Step 1: One Step Forward!
Step 2: Two Steps Back!
Step 3: Err, that’s it. If you want to meet for a curry, I’m in the car-park. Trousers optional.”
We’ll get back to you on that one when it all goes horribly wrong.
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