Crivvens! Jings! And Help Ma Boab! In a desperate move the English Defence League called 3 demos in one day thus ensuring their resources are spread thinner than marg on a cheap sandwich! We must spare a thought for all the EDL supporters who went to Bedford Prison in support of jailed leader Tommy Robinson aka Steven Napoleon Trousers. Well we would do if any of them had actually turned up. The ever popular Hel ‘And Damnation’ Gower called for EDLers to stand in the freezing cold for 2 nights in support for their diminutive leader. In the event, absolutely no one showed up. One forlorn EDL member turned up then posted in his frustration on Facebook that there was no one else there and that ‘the EDL is a joke!’ Here! Here! Even worse were the EDL eejits who stood outside Wandsworth for an hour shouting ‘Free Tommy Mandela’ not realising that he had been transferred to Bedford! Well done the EDL Intelligence Division.

Contender for the title of ‘Most Embarrassing EDL Demo Ever’ goes to the 6 or so berks who turned up in Southend to stand in the train station carpark for half an hour before ‘surrendering’ and going home again. Lads, you have been taken for a ride by the EDL who is calling demos which no one supports and are milking you for cash you don’t have. The whole EDL thing is being exposed as a massive vanity exercise and money making exercise on behalf of Mr Tommy. Rumours that Mr Tommy is beholden to both Pam ‘Gellar Artois’ of the Jewish Defence League and Hel ‘Tower Of’ Gower of the EDL because he has been sleeping with them are just too horrible to contemplate. However true they are. Which they are. Probably. Or not. Maybe. We just don’t know.

The most hilarious news last week was when plod turned up to Mr Tommy’s dungeon to charge him with 3 charges of conspiracy to commit mortgage fraud by false representation. Naturally we had a very good laugh and opened a bottle of Lambrini (after all, us Lambrini girls just wanna have fun! ). The EDL, furious and embarrassed over their leader’s ever increasing and non-political criminal record, claimed that plod had subsequently dropped ‘all money laundering charges’ – which is odd cos he was never charged with that and the fraud charge stays on him! Mr Tommy is a spiv and career criminal only out for himself and his dodgy dealings have finally caught up with him and bitten him squarely on the arse! The EDL are currently begging money for ‘legal fees’ which will no doubt help support their local coke dealer.

In All The President’s Men, the undercover bloke tells Robert Redford to ‘follow the money’ – which is was what the ‘Malatestas’ have been doing this weekend. Mr Tommy made loads of cash from the merchandise as well as for ‘political prisoners campaigns’ none of which has been accounted for. Pam ‘Stella’ Gellar ‘owns’ the EDL brand and ‘Ferocious’ Gower bought some other names but as far as we can tell the EDL proceeds are still unaccounted for. Rumours that a certain EDLer has the money ‘resting in his account’ are flying about which we are currently investigating. He was arrested for plotting to blow up a mosque but as he has enough trouble blowing up his inflatable love puppet we were initially sceptical. He also likes to think he is Regional Organ Grinder but has few monkeys to marshal and most of them don’t know who he is anyway. We’ll let you know if we see owt!

Remember the Casuals? No, we don’t either but they are currently feuding with the EDL. Kylie and Chardonnay, the two wee lasses who run the Casuals blog for their Uncle Jeffrey (who hasn’t got any friends his own age) wrote ‘So "leadership" ie Growler have alienated a load more people today. There’s a surprise. Walk away from it people. After Xmas we will be meeting all the top lads and a sort out will be had. It aint over till the fat ANGLE sings.’ This is fuck-buglery of the worst kind even for the fuck-bugles of the Casuals, but ‘top lads’? What The Crivvens? Do they really think they are the boss of all the soccer firms? We can’t stand Health ‘Hazard’ Gower but have to say the fat she-nazi has nothing to worry about!

Stalwart supporter and amply proportioned Kevin ‘Baron Greenback’ Smith left the EDL in a huff this week. Not only has he left the love of his life, but he has also been dumped by his girlfriend who is converting to Islam. Although this sounds like a joke it is in fact true and she has verified this. She also revealed in a fit of pique that it is Kevin’s generous wallet rather than his generous girth and magnetic personality that ensures an EDL welcome. Hell hath no fury and all that bollocks but Kev’s ex is currently venting to anyone who will listen on anti-fascist Facebook pages. She seems unable to remember her real job or indeed her real name such is her emotionally fraught state. EDL members wasted absolutely no time and immediately started slagging her off calling her all manner of rude names. She is unavailable for comment.

So, even EDL members are admitting it’s all over after a disastrous year in which Mr Tommy was jailed, Kousin Kev Karol failed to get the Big Cop’s Chair and has disappeared, the infighting is as bitter as ever and the toilet who stood in Rotherham in last week’s election, who said he was going to stand for the EDL and British Freedom but both rejected him, got an unincredible 29 votes. Which is a fitting epitaph for the EDL, the fastest shrinking deluded fuck-bugles in the WORLD. FACT! Be seeing you!