How did they work? Were there little scrubbers or mechanical arms in there? What were those weird noises it made? If I didn’t load it right, would I open the door to shattered dishes? I ignored my dishwasher but it was always there in the back of my mind. I kept doing my dishes by hand.
By the time December rolled around, I was feeling lonely, isolated, and very horny. I began perusing the Craigslist “Casual Encounters” section, something I’d done before with a friend, but never alone. I answered the ad of a conservative businessman in his late 20′s. I’d been having fantasies of having sex with someone like him in my condo—someone who sort of bored me, worked in a cubicle, and was very comfortable with a dishwasher.
Matthew and I texted, GChatted, talked on the phone, and met up for barhopping and sex for a few weeks. Then, one night when I was feeling ballsy after a few drinks, I Gchatted Matthew with the question I’d been working up the nerve to ask him:
Me: What do you think would happen if you were to jizz in a dishwasher slot where the detergent goes and then hit start?
Matthew: It would wash dishes with jizz water.
Me: Right, but would they be sticky?
Matthew: I assume it would depend on the amount of jizz.
Me: And would it leak out of the bottom? Because you know how it screws up dishwashers when you put normal detergent in them?
Matthew: Hahaha, but how would you be alone long enough to masturbate into someone’s dishwasher?
Me: No, not me. A guy, duh.
Matthew: That’s what I mean. How is a girl gonna jizz in a dishwasher? Naturally a guy.
Me: The guy jizzes into it, they wash the dishes, then eat off of them. Or the girl has a guy jizz into it, washes the dishes and then has her ex over and feeds him a romantic meal on the dishes. I would like to see it done in a movie.
Matthew: That would be hilarious.
Me: I have been thinking about it for a while. Do you think anyone has ever come in a dishwasher before?
Matthew: I am sure someone must have, right? But I have never heard of it before.
Matthew: Do you want me to come in your dishwasher?
Me: Apparently.
Matthew: I can do that.
Me: So how would we do it?
Matthew: You blow me in your kitchen and I bust in your dishwasher.
Me: Yeah but it would be funnier to watch you jerk off into it.
Matthew: Well, if you want me to jerk off into your dishwasher, just tell me when.
Me: I’ll wait till I’m out of detergent. So, let’s just do it and then see how the dishwasher reacts.
Matthew: Cool.
So, did we go through with it? We did. Matthew came over that night and we executed my plan. When I woke up the next morning, I felt something unexpected — motivation to learn how to use my dishwasher. I had to get Matthew’s cum off of the dishes, after all.