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Bono Collaterally Slashes Virgin Arrangement

Geoffrey Anstey | 19.10.2015 15:02 | Climate Chaos | Culture | Globalisation | London

The Irish musician famous for his rat-herding of United Nations bureaucrats today turned down what analysts termed a frivolous offer by media giant Virgin Records. The artist management conglomerate had offered Bono a tour organisation treaty including large scale state-sponsored concerts, which would have given visitors a guarantee that stage-diving was to take place in all of the events. United Nations Special Representative for Cultural Affairs Tevik Breibarz said the bureau regretted the decision, as customers would have been offered a money-back clause in case there was no stage-diving in some of the corporation´s presentations.

According to the arrangement, staff of a security contractor monitored by United Nations supervisors would have been trained for guarding the events and jumping in to catch up the singer in case the audience lacked sufficient impulse to do so. Yet the official, who expressed hope to remain assigned with the task that could have guaranteed him a stay in the United Kingdom for the duration of the project, argued such a scenario was unlikely, as contractors were instructed to take preemptive measures. Visitors would be placed into alphanumeric chessboard fields according to an artificial intelligence estimate of their internet profiles calculating the probability curve for their participation in stage-diving.

The software would automatically guide these most likely to catch up close to the stage, and leave security supervisors most of the time standing by idly behind the lines, only giving occasional clues to the selection heuristics. But in a London Anti-Opencast Network fund-raising press conference the musician explained to a news anchor that the system was a stillborn of dancing-challenged minds and could not function properly. Instead he proposed free admission for visitors to stage-diving areas, plus a political autonomy that would allow them to maintain awareness for collective decisions with security privileges such as excluding counterproductive individuals from their midst.

“We do spontaneous stage-diving whoever we feel free like it, never, never in arranged form” he said to a Nepalese state television representative reporting on the network´s recent study covering the influence of open-cast on earthquake activity. “You have just heard how the risk of open-cast triggering an earthquake is not limited to open-cast regions. Without an audience fully in charge of itself one cannot limit the risks of stage-diving either.” Bono went on lambasting an United Nations proposal which would have given open-cast a ten years permit in exchange for a moderate increase of the subsidy cover of the Himalayan Earthquake Compensation Fund, triggering shrill protest from the Special Representative who insisted that it was a specific member state initiative.

Bono also said the inter-governmental organisation had already hired architects with vested interests as to draw up plans for the contractor which began hiring staff a year ago, arguing that dry run experience was crucial for its management. “This is one of many negative examples of prime obviousness what can go wrong in the eve of an earthquake. You might have morons who imagine mistaking the map for the territory was a master-plan lining up the usual bullies behind themselves to ram it through. Once it turns out that it is not, the damage is so vast that the determination of its cause might get lost in the bulk of problems opening up.” He compared stage-diving visitors distracted by the efforts of security contractors to villages entangled in United Nations micro-credits programs which have increased under the current policy.

Bono quoted a banking clerk from a Nepalese town participating in the United Nations program with the assertion that customer data was sold to security contractors, triggering a sharp increase in requests seeking help in negotiating with offers containing over-tailored micro-management efforts. In one case an industrial production zone suffering heavy earthquake damage was rebuilt without hardening, because a contract was given to an external conglomerate containing an early warning system manufacturer with vested arms trade interests, which guaranteed repeated rebuilding would be financed in exchange for rare earth mineral open-cast operations in the country being managed out of remote control trailers inserted into the area.

Geoffrey Anstey


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