Recently the quiet fools and clumsy dreamers of the London battalion of the Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army have made a startling discovery - the "DSEi" arms fun fair is coming to our city!
At first we were overjoyed by this news: after all, we're clowns, so there's nothing we love more than a fun fair; and we're an army, so we're always looking out for shiny new arms (and legs fingers toes hands knees and whoops-a-daisy). A fun fair dishing out arms - who would have thought it was possible! We could really go to town; splash out on flat pack tanks, edible body armour, bullet proof bullets, lead parachutes, dissolvable submarines and all the other really cool gizmos we'd always wanted. And then we could spend the rest of the day going on all the rides and having a really really really good time.
With eager anticipation filling our happy clown hearts, we swiftly despatched the London CIRCA sideways intelligence team to find out more about the exciting event. Unfortunately the information these intrepid tricksters returned with was far from good. Beneath it's cheerful exterior, the DSEi fun fair hides dark and sinister secrets. Apparently the weapons there aren't like the tickle sticks, banana skins and custard pies we in the clown army are used to, they are nasty things like guns and shells and cluster bombs which just aren't funny. And which could really hurt someone. Furthermore, we have found out that money is involved, so if you've got more money than someone else you get to have more arms, which just isn't fair. That's right, this so-called "fun fair" isn't fun and isn't fair. Frankly, London CIRCA are shocked and disgusted.
To make matters worse, we have even heard whispers that old man Blair who runs the fun fair is really a horrible mass murderer wearing a fake plastic mask.
However, all is not lost. London circa have learned that our very own Metropolitan Police force have also been tipped off about the arms fun fair and are planning to be there in large numbers. We know from when we met them up in Scotland in July, when we all went to have a chat with the G8 leaders, that there is nothing the Metropolitan Police love better (apart of course from playfully shooting people in the head) than looking for dangerous weapons. When we were up in Scotland they kept on playing this game with us where they would pretend to think we had dangerous weapons and keep us in pens for ages before searching us for all the dangerous weapons which we didn't have. They loved playing that game – it seemed to be their favourite! We're sure they'll have a great time playing it with the nasty men from the (f)un fair - what a surprise it'll be when they really do find lots and lots and lots of really really dangerous weapons!
London CIRCA will be joined by many of our fellow clowns at the DSEi arms (f)un fair from the 10th to the 15th of September 2005. We will be helping keep the arms dealers with their dangerous weapons safely inside the ExCel building in London's Docklands until they can all be searched and their toys confiscated; and we will be distributing for free our own powerful though harmless (to the right people) weapons of love, life and laughter.
We will be running a basic training session for any budding idiots who want to join us in this and any future operations. This will take place in St George's Theatre, Tufnell Park Road, North London (nearest tubes Tufnell Park and Holloway Road) from 11am-5pm on Saturday 3rd and Sunday 4th September. Note that it is necessary to attend both days. If you would like to come, please email us at monkeyawareofvacuity(at)yahoo.co.uk to tell us you'll be coming; and please bring food to share.
in silly solidarity
lance corporal vomnot jammitt (incorporated)
temporary amateur anti-official publicity pierrot
CIRCA London battalion